By Senator Tad Raskill (I-Ill.)
President Trump has called for upgrades to our existing nuclear warheads as well as production of new nuclear weapons. This is a mistake. America should not produce any new nuclear weapons until we have used the ones currently in our stockpile.
To that end, I’m calling today for the immediate nuclear bombing of all of our enemies, past, present, and future. From England and Germany, to Iraq and Syria, to China and the Maldives, we should spend our arsenal, which until now has been one enormous waste of money.
Democrats should embrace this plan to fight global warming, because the eradication of billions of polluting, gas-emitting humans (and cows!) will certainly help prevent the eventual global warming apocalypse—some good ole nuclear winter may even reverse some of the present effects. Since Democrats love helping the poor, they also should be happy with an unprecedented and merciless donation of billions of dollars worth of highly-enriched uranium, plutonium, and other rare fissiles to the world’s poorest inhabitants. A more dollars-to-product efficient foreign aid program, there has never been. It will also act as the mass, retroactive abortion of billions at once, so Democrats should love the idea.
Republicans should embrace this plan if they really are in favor of foreign intervention (especially if they’re really the vicious racists their opponents and the entire American media complex has spent the last 20 years making them out to be). They also should welcome the opportunity to ensure that the US government is being fiscally responsible and making sure the billions of taxpayer dollars spent developing these really neat weapons do not go to waste. It will also prevent any further abortions taking place in the targeted countries—another plus for the GOP.
It will create jobs in America as we ramp nuclear production back up at places like Oak Ridge, Sandia, Lawrence Livermore, and Pantex to replace the completely empty stockpile with newer, cooler and bombs more badass than ever before. Less bombs means more bombs, and more bombs means more jobs. These jobs will likely be union. So the pro-jobs, pro-union voters should welcome it.
Let's not just increase and re-invigorate the nuclear stockpile, as President Trump’s National Security Strategy called for. Let’s use the bombs we have before we make new ones, and make America radiate greatness again.