Chris Wallace: “Greetings ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the weekend safety brief. I’ll be your moderator, Chris Wallace. This afternoon’s safety brief will cover a variety of topics, including alcohol consumption, driving, sexual safety, and other topics. Each of our candidates, President Donald J. Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden, will have two minutes to give their safety advice. No one is released until…”

Trump: “Chris, this format is ridiculous. You’re not even talking about safety; you’re pushing an agenda.”

Wallace: “Mr. President, if you’ll just let me…”

Biden: “You see? This is what he does. He can’t stand on his record of safety, so he blusters and bullies about…”

Trump: “Are you insane, Sleepy Joe? Let me tell you, I know about safety. I’ve done more for promoting safety in the past three years than you did in 47 years of…

Biden: “That’s a lie!”

Wallace: “Gentlemen, if we could just…”

Trump: “Joe, you were in Washington for fifty years and we were as unsafe as we’ve …