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“This is honestly the biggest game changer since night vision,” said Capt. Ryan Kowalski, commander of the Army Sniper School.
The decision comes after high-ranking officials reportedly got “really into Among Us lobbies” and appreciated the platform’s robust emoji support.
“Most teens these days are too fat, stupid, and substance-addled to even be suitable for service,” said Staff Sergeant Simona Oppf.
Former Cpl. promises to be a uniter, insufferable prick
CFC sources report that even as little as $5 a paycheck can make a big difference in giving Ukrainians the additional 150,000 troops they need.
"Destroying happiness within our military is a good financial decision."
“Now leave requests and sick call notifications can be declined without delay,” said General Randy George.
“We are checking our data because obviously this is unprecedented,” said Maj. Gen. Antonio Munera, Commanding General of Cadet Command
“Not that I had anything to do with those potshots at my Vice President Trump. I only killed Medicare.”
The transition from barista to elite soldier has not been without its hiccups.
“Look me in the eye and tell me you’ve never thought it would be a good idea to split 10s,” the Secretary remarked sternly.
"One veteran even mentioned that his local bartender has never once put him on hold."
“God save the Queen, man, but we tried our best to alleviate the suffering of those Carthaginians there in the Plaza Strip,” said Biden.
“I too was shocked and saddened by the actions of Lady Featherington this season," a Colonel said.
Happy 4th of July!
A sellout crowd is expected, though it will also be live-streamed.
"This robot generation is different. No work ethic. No value for service," complained one recruiter.
Ramming speed! All ahead full!
Guess who’s going to have to pick your nasty ass up from jail when you step out of line. It’s gonna be me.
"Are you looking at me, nasty? Start butt chugging!"
“Excuse me? I’m getting what for reenlisting?”
“All I had to do was tell them they have to wake up before 8 a.m. two days a month and that’s all it took."
“This is an absolute disgrace and totally bogus,” Trump said ahead of the staff duty posting at the 82nd Airborne Division.
Finally an internal reporting program that might work.
“Clearly, the power of youthful idealism, some chalk, and random spray paint cannot be overestimated.”
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