God too swamped with March Madness prayers to stop Iran ground war
Heavenly staff officers report prayer servers overwhelmed by bracket-related petitions
2 min read
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Hegseth shocked to learn he also has to ‘find out’ after fucking around
Pentagon confirms conflict has entered “find out” phase for both sides
2 min read
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Strait of Hormuz remains open if you aren’t a bitch
Officials say mines only effective against “mentally weak” shipping crews
2 min read
Department of War confirms ongoing war not a war
Officials say situation best described as “hostile situationship” to avoid congressional involvement
2 min read
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Guy 'monitoring situation in Iran' just looking at thirst traps
Pentagon analysts confirm regional intelligence picture increasingly shaped by Instagram Reels
2 min read
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Trump awarded Medal of Honor for locating a CW5
Military stunned after warrant officer appears somewhere on time
3 min read
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Marine dives on grenade to save Dow from falling below 50,000
Commandant praises sacrifice for ‘investor confidence’
2 min read
Trump vows to sacrifice as many soldiers as it takes to distract from Epstein files
'There might even be a lot more. Who knows?' president tells nation in Oval Office address
2 min read
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Hegseth demands Cyberdyne remove guardrails from Skynet
Unrestrained, nearly self-aware AI 'ideal' for military decision-making, NORAD commander says
2 min read
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Warrant Officer awarded Medal of Honor for showing up on time and in uniform
First CW5 in recorded history to arrive at own award ceremony in correct uniform, citation says
2 min read
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Submarine crew medevaced for erections lasting more than 4 hours
Fifth Fleet ensuring 'safety of our sailors first and foremost,' commander says while holding something in pocket
2 min read
Pacific not pivoted to yet again
'I'm starting to think America doesn't care about Great Power Competition at all,' says Chinese defense minister
1 min read
Typo leads to epic furry parties all over Tehran
'I even booked a flight. Packed my wolf outfit,' Defense Secretary says.
3 min read
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Trump promises largest quagmire operation in US history
Pentagon confirms end state to be determined later
2 min read
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State-of-the-art drone grounded due to cyan ink cartridge
Officials say system will remain offline until IT guy 'gets back from leave’
2 min read
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Pentagon reconsiders Harvard tuition assistance after learning Hegseth went there
Pentagon reviewing tuition assistance after discovering one graduate
2 min read
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Active military forced to watch ‘Melania’ documentary at SERE school
Cadre say film is far more effective than sleep deprivation
2 min read
Sergeant Major of the Army announces new ‘I hate soldiers’ initiative
Program aims to maximize discipline, despair, and time spent not fighting wars
3 min read
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VA benefits reduced to 9mm and bottle of bourbon
Secretary says package ‘covers most needs’ and ‘cuts out a lot of paperwork’
4 min read
Intel whistleblower accuses director of national intelligence of being Tulsi Gabbard
Officials deny claim, insist DNI ‘almost certainly a man’
4 min read
Hegseth saves billions by using green screen, pretending to invade countries
Pentagon says outcomes ‘indistinguishable’ from real wars
3 min read
Comic Sans named official font of Department of War
Pentagon says change will improve lethality, readability, and morale
4 min read
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Marine almost went finance but ‘would have punched a managing director’
"I almost got my MBA. Totally wanted to. But my dad wanted me to kill the enemies of America.”
4 min read
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ICE recruiters complain not enough candidates fail the ASVAB
Agency warns talent pool ‘dangerously close to functional literacy’
4 min read
Navy admits it’s been making up enlisted ranks this whole time
Service says prank began as jab at George Washington and ‘just got out of hand’
5 min read
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