This week in American power projection: the map was wrong, the dorms were fine, and the travel card was for official purposes.
Story Roundup
Pentagon casualties, metric improvement, and Fat Leonard’s least dignified phase.
Situation Report
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Some Americans believe Coast Guard is massive wall to keep Mexicans out, study finds
SEATTLE, Wash. — A new report from researchers at the University of Washington has confirmed widely held assumptions that most people have no idea what
Oct 5, 2022 · 2 min read
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Coast Guard calls off search for missing GoPro camera
MONTEREY, Calif. — The Coast Guard suspended its search yesterday for a missing GoPro camera that disappeared two weeks ago when 20 year old Brad Sullivan was surfing off
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readCoast Guard swimmer only saves people who believe in our lord and savior Jesus Christ
SAN DIEGO — As the sun rises on the horizon off San Diego's golden coast, bringing clarity and light to the day, a Coast Guard HH-65
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readCoast Guard ghost ship inspection finds two safety violations and expired haunting permit
KEY WEST, Fla. — Coast Guard crewmen boarded the ghost ship G/S Flying Dutchman last week on suspicion of unauthorized haunting as well as having an expired life
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readEmotional Homecoming as Coast Guard cutter returns from ten long days at sea
PORTSMOUTH, N.H. – Medium Endurance Cutter Campbell (WMEC 909) and its crew returned to Portsmouth Naval Shipyard on December 1st following an exhausting and extensive 10-day strategic
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min read
Coast Guard inspects epic party boat over and over and over
MAUI, Hawaii — As Coast Guard Station Maui’s 45’ Response Boat (RBM) pulls alongside the party boat Purple Pineapple, lead boarding officer Boatswains Mate 1st Class Joe Silva
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readCoast Guard unveils FY16 GoFundMe campaign
SEATTLE, Wash. — Facing annual budget woes for the 57th straight year, the Coast Guard Commandant yesterday unveiled a novel approach to funding its growing list of tasks: crowdsourcing.
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min read
Coast Guard mostly saves very stupid people, study finds
WASHINGTON — Nearly 83 percent of mariner rescues since 1960 involved unrelentingly stupid behaviors and/or people, according to a recent study by the U.S. Coast Guard. Though
Oct 5, 2022 · 2 min readLeadership manual becomes newest Coast Guard skipper
ALAMEDA, Ca. – The Commandant of the Coast Guard is prepared to name a 500 page copy of the 2010 Edition of “The Essential Guide To Leadership and Management”
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readCoast Guard enlists phone sex operators to make search and rescue more sensual
WASHINGTON — A new Coast Guard initiative aims to "reduce stress" during search and rescue contact with mariners, by using radio opartors with "sexy, sultry voices,
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readCoast Guard 'moderately confident' newest cutter won't break in half
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Coast Guard is in the final stages of awarding a contract for the construction of the Offshore Patrol Cutter (OPC), which will replace the
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readCoast Guard scraps towing contract after horny dolphins leave cutter adrift
KEY WEST, Fl. – The Coast Guard withdrew its towing contract from Porpoises with a Purpose after a pod of dolphins left the Cutter Goldfish adrift in the Florida
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readCoast Guard K9 returns home to wife sleeping with other dog
NORFOLK, Va. — Following a six month port security deployment to Naval Support Activity Bahrain, Petty Officer 3rd Class Duke returned home today to find his bank account depleted
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readCoast Guard vows to move to Canada if Trump is elected
BOSTON — The United States Coast Guard will move to Canada if Donald Trump is elected as Commander-in-Chief, Coast Guard Commandant Adm. Paul F. Zukunft announced at
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readCoast Guard 'always ready' for massive roboshark invasion
HOUSTON, Texas – Sharing the annual budget plan with the press is normally a pretty boring moment both for Coast Guard leadership and also the reporters who receive the
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readCoast Guard using seized marijuana at morale events
MIAMI BEACH, Fla. – New regulations allowing Coast Guard vessels and commands to retain and use seized property mean the nearly $20 million in marijuana seized at sea on
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readCoast Guard: Our birthday was Thursday, thanks for noticing
WASHINGTON — Coast Guard Commandant Admiral Paul F. Zukunft has sent a scathing rebuke to the other services entitled “Our Birthday Was Thursday, Thanks For Noticing,” according to sources.
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readCoast Guard recruits Michael Phelps as only rescue swimmer
JUNEAU, Alaska — Michael Phelps, the most decorated Olympian of all time, has finished swimming in the Rio Olympics and moved on to become the Coast Guard’s one
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min read
Coast Guard officer diagnosed with PTSD for seven hour work day
HOUSTON — Lt. j.g. Evan Summerlin has told shipmates and relatives that he is currently suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, a source involved in the investigation reports.
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min read
Hey! My cousin is in the Coast Guard, you probably know him!
GLOUCESTER, Mass. — Wow! You’re in the Coast Guard? That’s so cool! My cousin Mike is in the Coast Guard too. You probably know him. He’s
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readCoast Guard confirms new icebreaker will be ready just in time for hell to freeze over
CENTER OF DIS, HELL — With three icebreakers at over 40 years of use and abuse in the Polar Regions, the Coast Guard finally announced that the new icebreaker
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readNavy hands down leftover rates to Coast Guard
WASHINGTON, DC — After the Navy abandoned its 200-year-old rating system in favor of no longer referring to sailors by their job titles, the service says the
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readHollywood to begin filming new Coast Guard movie that no one will watch
HOLLYWOOD — A new action-thriller movie based on true experiences from a search-and-rescue unit is set to be the next Coast Guard movie that no one
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min read
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