This week in American power projection: the map was wrong, the dorms were fine, and the travel card was for official purposes.
Story Roundup
Pentagon casualties, metric improvement, and Fat Leonard’s least dignified phase.
Situation Report
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Coast Guard won't come out of its room after dad doesn't get the budget it wanted
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Coast Guard slammed the door and locked itself inside its bedroom late last week after learning its dad once again
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min read
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Coast Guard academy cadets enlist to avoid Trump graduation speech
NEW LONDON, Conn. — A group of 65 Coast Guard Academy cadets enlisted this morning in lieu of accepting their commissions as officers, Duffel Blog has learned. The cadets
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readCoast Guard intercepts millennial migrant vessel trying to flee to Cuba
MIAMI — A month after a report regarding the Coast Guard seeing a decrease in Cuban migration, a U.S. Coast Guard crew and surrounded a group of American
Oct 5, 2022 · 2 min read
Coast Guard in mar-a-Lago performs daring rescue of 100 golf balls
Quite the save
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readCongress sends Coast Guard a couple of twenties after forgetting birthday
WASHINGTON — The Coast Guard received a birthday card from Congress containing a couple of twenty-dollar bills after it failed to recognize the service's 227 years
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readCoast Guard cutter completely lost in the middle of the ocean
NORTH ATLANTIC OCEAN — After steaming around the North Atlantic for the better part of a week, sources confirmed that the Coast Guard Cutter Hamilton had inadvertently traveled several
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readCoast Guard commandant supplements service budget as Lyft driver
WASHINGTON — When Adm. Paul F. Zukunft isn’t working as the Commandant of the U.S. Coast Guard, he’s driving a Kia Soul, picking up congressmen and
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readMarine calls Coast Guard to save him from drowning in debt
NORFOLK, Va. — A US Marine currently drowning in a sea of debt is calling the US Coast Guard to ask if they can throw him a life ring,
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min read
Coast Guard begins arresting kite surfers for being annoying pieces of shit
OUTER BANKS, NC — Kitesurfing may seem like a perfectly harmless activity if you’re a pretentious douche bag who wants to piss off other mariners, but if that&
Oct 5, 2022 · 2 min readWomen stranded at sea tell Coast Guard they are fine, just fine, okay? It’s nothing
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Two Florida women adrift on a weathered sailboat in the Atlantic Ocean for the past three weeks are "doing just fine so stop asking, okay,
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readFlat earther saves Coast Guard cutter from falling off edge of the world
PACIFIC OCEAN — Boatswains Mate 3rd Class Jeremy Kane on Tuesday rescued the Coast Guard Cutter Waesche from dropping off the edge of the Earth about 200 miles off
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readTalent show on Coast Guard cutter down to that one asshole with a ukulele
SOUTH PACIFIC OCEAN – On the Coast Guard Cutter Venturous, the crew hosted its annual talent show in order to boost morale during the long patrol. However, after all
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readReport: Coast Guard will save thousands of people this year, but not your worthless ass
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Coast Guard says it will respond to more than 3,000 incidents this year, likely resulting in more than 200 lives saved, at least
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readPoint/counterpoint: We don't need the Coast Guard vs "OH GOD I'M SINKING! MAYDAY MAYDAY!"
The following is a Point/Counterpoint debate regarding the relevancy of the United States Coast Guard and whether or not it serves an important role in the US
Oct 5, 2022 · 3 min readCoast Guard nervous over upcoming disabled veterans sailing race
MONTEREY, Calif. — Local Coast Guard officials say they are a bit nervous about an upcoming event involving dozens of disabled military veteran racers competing in a Wounded Warrior
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readNew Coast Guard recruiting commercial: 'We don't do PT!'
NORFOLK, Va. — Senior Coast Guard leaders have approved a new advertising campaign designed to increase enlistment numbers, keep up retention rates and encourage other service members to lateral
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readCoast Guard unveils 'maritime darwinism' policy after getting $2.28 billion budget cut on its birthday
WASHINGTON — The Coast Guard is turning 228 years old today, and Congress is surprising them with a $2.28 billion budget cut in fiscal year 2019. As a
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readDrunk hurricane calls Coast Guard at 2 A.M. Asking for place to crash
PORTSMOUTH, Va. — A wasted hurricane by the name of Florence has reportedly been calling at all hours of the night looking for a place to crash, according to
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readCoast Guard suspends hurricane relief operations for racial sensitivity training after circle gesture airs on national TV
A COAST GUARD STATION NEAR YOU THAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW EVEN EXISTED — The Coast Guard has suspended Hurricane Florence relief operations in order to address a service-
Oct 5, 2022 · 2 min read
Captain Jack Sparrow named new Coast Guard commandant
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has nominated Capt. Jack Sparrow to serve as the 26th commandant of the U.S. Coast Guard, sources confirmed today. Sparrow, the
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readCoast Guard saves lovable Navy SEAL tangled in net
PANAMA CITY, Panama — A Virginia-based U.S. Coast Guard crew recently became a helping hand for an adorable sea creature needing help. The USCG Cutter Bear’s
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readMarine recycled in Coast Guard sniper school for the fourth time
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. – A reconnaissance Marine who graduated at the top of his Marine Corps sniper class has found an insurmountable challenge in the most unexpected place – Coast Guard
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min readBorder wall to be constructed out of unfinished Coast Guard cutters
EL PASO, Texas — Federal authorities have awarded over 30 unfinished Coast Guard cutters to a Texas company to build 12 miles of wall along the U.S.-Mexico
Oct 5, 2022 · 1 min read
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