Duffel Blog’s guide to failing your sleep study

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You’ve been preparing for this moment for 20 years.. Now it’s time to get that VA disability rating so you can finally admit you have a bad back, bad knees, bad ankles, and a bad life. It’s time for you to also fail your sleep study.

After two decades of dedicated service, aching joints, functional (up for debate) alcoholism, and the occasional existential crisis, the time has finally come. Fear not, Duffel Blog has you covered with foolproof tips to ensure you bomb that test with the grace of a seasoned EOD technician.

BRING SOME FIREWORKS

Sure, you could rely on the standard-issue tossing and turning, but why not make a bang with your exit? Sneak in a pack of firecrackers and set them off mid-study. Just make sure to use a timer, so your hands are clean when the sparks fly. It’s the perfect way to demonstrate your startlingly light sleep. It is highly unlikely that anyone at the sleep clinic will suspect you.

BRING YOUR SNORING DOG

This one is self-explanatory. Nothing ruins a good night of sleep like a snoring canine. Bonus points if you bring something massive like a great dane or a mastiff. It doesn’t even have to be a service dog.

STAY AWAKE FOR THREE DAYS PRIOR

This one’s a no-brainer. Burn through every season of M*A*S*H, go on a Wikipedia deep dive into the history of military rations, or simply reminisce about the good ol’ days of endless field ops. By the time you hit that sleep study bed, you’ll be a walking advert for insomnia.

SHOW UP INTOXICATED

Remember, it’s not about the journey; it’s about the destination. Showing up smelling like a distillery not only highlights your potential sleep apnea but also your dedication to maintaining military traditions. Just mumble something about “liquid courage” and you’re golden.

DON’T GET UP TO USE THE BATHROOM

Channel your inner sentry and hold your position all night. It’s a known fact that the more discomfort you’re in, the less likely you are to fall into a deep sleep. Also, if you soil yourself you’re guaranteed to be flagged for having something wrong with you.

LOAD UP

Eat a ton of beans. Baked beans; beans and rice; whatever you can get your hands on. You will undoubtedly wake yourself up dozens of times an hour with cloud upon cloud upon clouds eminating from beneath the sheets.. More importantly, the smell of toasty swamps and musty lettuce may trigger some PTSD from trying to sleep in that dusty cardboard B-hut in Afghanistan with 30 of your closest unwashed friends – causing you to yell out at least a couple times throughout the night.

DISCLAIMER: Before you dive headfirst into these unorthodox methods, remember, your VA rating is a sacred reflection of the trials and tribulations faced in the line of duty. It should encapsulate everything from your heroic tolerance to alcohol to your profound understanding of military jargon that, frankly, has no place in polite society.

So, as you embark on this final mission, approach it with the same integrity and honesty that got you through those endless formations. After all, the real victory lies in conquering the bureaucracy with the truth of your service, one painstaking form at a time. Godspeed, and may your disability rating be as high as your spirits during a 96-hour liberty.

As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.

Whiskey Fueled Tirade contributed to reporting.

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