LONG BEACH, Calif. — The most powerful military in the history of the world was mobilized late last night to apprehend Angel Garcia, a 29-year-old dishwasher at Porky’s BBQ Grill n’ Chill, sources confirmed today.
The full might of the National Guard, I Marine Expeditionary Force, 82nd Airborne Division, and the Blue Angels precision flying team were placed on immediate alert. Three carrier strike groups were diverted to the SOCAL OPAREA. Strategic bombers were scrambled, and the Army Corps of Engineers erected both blast walls and a Green Beans Coffee kiosk for sustained operations.
“I have officially raised the United States to DEFCON 2,” said President Donald Trump, a man unable to control his own country. “This Angel guy is the worst, believe me. Total menace. Maybe he’s even a real angel — who knows? We’re going to deport him to Heaven, probably. And look at these streets! I made these streets the cleanest. Cars, people walking — very dangerous.”
P-8 Poseidon aircraft and satellite assets tracked Garcia as he left his construction job and headed to the restaurant for his evening shift. En route, officials claim he committed "at least 47" violent crimes, including breathing while brown and wearing steel-toe boots on public transit.
When SEAL Team 3 attempted to detain Garcia outside the walk-in freezer, he allegedly resisted with "superhuman resilience." The SEALs responded with an airstrike that vaporized a three-block radius and half of an Arby’s.
“This was a textbook operation,” said Gen. Greg Guillot, commander of U.S. Northern Command. “We used twelve Tomahawk missiles, three B-52 runs, and experimental laser weapons to secure the target. I am proud to say this community is now safer, mostly because it no longer exists.”
Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem defended the show of force.
“He was in a gang so dangerous no one has ever heard of it. That’s how awful it was. Thousands of Americans are now lining the streets in gratitude — and also to apply for the three jobs Angel Garcia held simultaneously.”
At press time, the 1st Armored Division was en route to Griffith Park to suppress a protest involving six elderly women and a therapy dog.
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