Chimp hanging upside down from lectern named new Pentagon spokesman
Banana tariffs, China, and showing his butt top agenda for new flack
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon’s newest spokesman introduced himself today in an unorthodox manner — hanging upside down over the Department of Defense seal, wearing nothing but a crisply ironed American flag tie.
Apey, a chimpanzee with what officials describe as “extensive public affairs experience,” has been hired to brief reporters and answer questions on behalf of the entire DoD.
“I’m Mr. Apey and I had a long public affairs career at Fort Bliss—sorry, the El Paso Zoo,” he signed. “At the zoo, I learned to manipulate people for snacks. Which is basically the GS-13 position description.”
A Pentagon press release notes Apey learned sign language from the legendary public affairs officer Lance Cpl. Koko — a gorilla whose ability to communicate with humans famously led to an ape uprising in 2015 that required most of 10th Special Forces Group (Airborne) to suppress during Operation JADE HELM.
With further training, Apey mastered the key Pentagon skill of deflecting hard questions by blaming whichever political party is out of power.
“Apey watch spokesapes,” he signed. “Apey blame everyone else. Apey get more food. Apey nap with full belly. Apey get annual cash award. Apey spend on watermelon and THC gummies. Just like real spokesperson.”
He’s better than Psaki,” said one veteran media executive. “And unlike most spokespeople, when he flings crap at you, you actually see it coming.”
Leaping onto the podium and flinging a banana peel at the press pool, Apey signed, “Me better than KJP — or that white-trash blonde at the White House.”
Donning reading glasses, he announced the creation of a new Directorate of Bananas, to be headquartered in Norfolk, Va., with a stand-up ceremony scheduled to coincide with the arrival of the next banana cargo ship.
“Apey can’t wait day and moon,” he signed. “Apey call Elon. Banana tariffs bad. Elon fix. No bad tariff. Food food.”
He then delivered an in-depth briefing on China, the Ukraine war, and the Pentagon’s worsening banana quality crisis — before shrieking, showing his butt, and grinning at the cameras.
Asked if he had the skills for the job, Apey became agitated, slapped his face with one enormous hand, and signed: “My brain is 400cc, yours is 1400cc. But I use all mine. You watch TikTok on government time and sing Burger King jingles on military watches worldwide. Who the real apes?”
He went on: “My top boss is a serial creep with a booze problem, his boss is a felon with gold-plated everything who grabs women somewhere bad. And you question me?
“Look — my facial prognathism is nothing compared to Pete Hegseth and Matt Gaetz. Check their brow ridges. Those guys beat me by a mile.”
With that, Apey climbed down from the lectern and curled up in the arms of longtime Pentagon reporter Jennifer Griffin of Fox News — the only human he reportedly trusts.
For anyone who disputes Apey's qualifications for this position, I would point out that he does indeed possess opposable thumbs.