This week in American power projection: the map was wrong, the dorms were fine, and the travel card was for official purposes.
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General’s command philosophy just inspirational quotes from Pinterest
WASHINGTON — General Paul E. Funk II, Commander of US Army Training and Doctrine Command, released his command philosophy this week. Sources confirm it is just a list of inspirational memes
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Army adds peer and near peer adversary reviews to new command selection system
FORT KNOX, Ky. – Army Human Resources Command (HRC) announced that Russian and Chinese army personnel specialists will review officer records in an “international delight” section of the new Battalion Commander
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For lent, Russia gives up annexing neighbors, poisoning dissidents
MOSCOW — The Kremlin has decided to cease a variety of malign activities for Lent, reports say. The 40-day period includes all manner of hybrid warfare activities ranging from assassinating
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Army’s new coal-powered tiltrotor gaining traction in Congress
WASHINGTON — As the Army evaluates several prototype aircraft for its Future of Vertical Lift modernization initiative, one coal-powered tiltrotor is quickly gaining popularity with Congress. “This amazing piece of
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First sergeant gives up on his soldiers for lent
FORT BRAGG — Devout Catholic and dedicated first sergeant Anthony Lawrence has decided to give up on the soldiers in his company for the 40-day period of Lent this year.
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Coronavirus stricken soldier just thankful he’s not stationed at fort polk
DJIBOUTI — An American soldier battling a potentially life-threatening coronavirus infection is just thankful he is not stationed at Fort Polk, Louisiana. “I try to keep a positive attitude because
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Taliban peace deal hinges on US surrender of zookeeper who killed Harambe
DOHA, Qatar – The Taliban has unexpectedly called for the extradition of the zookeeper who killed Harambe the gorilla, State Department officials confirmed today. The move has cast a pall of
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US tells 18 year-old Afghanistan war to get off couch, find a job
KABUL — Fed up with its lack of progress and increasing obesity, the United States has told the Afghanistan War to “Get your ass off the couch and get a damn
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7 countries to invade now that we're leaving Afghanistan
Leaving Afghanistan reminds many troops of getting divorced from their first spouse. While they may now be incredibly happy, free, and ready to bang anything that moves, it can be
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Nation plans memorial to mark solemn anniversary of pearl harbor
WASHINGTON — With the 20th anniversary of the disastrous Pearl Harbor movie just over a year away, a private commission is urging creation of a monument to commemorate the tragic event.
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Coronavirus triage procedures put majors last
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Military priorities put majors last on the triage list as a part of procedures to manage the COVID-19 coronavirus outbreak, sources confirmed. Emails obtained by
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Major General buried with copies of all his favorite PowerPoint slides
ARLINGTON — Retired Major General Edmund G. Ripper was laid to rest on Thursday, and per the wishes outlined in his will, he was joined and forever entombed with copies of
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VA requests more evidence for negative survey feedback
WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs returned a feedback survey to Staff Sgt. Michael Gillespie on Tuesday, noting “More evidence is needed before we can process your feedback.” “It’s
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Afghanistan refuses to breakup with US
KABUL, Afghanistan — Despite America’s best efforts to leave Afghanistan, the central Asian country refuses to accept the breakup. Afghanistan responded to the latest attempt by texting, “Oh no you
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USCG cutter quarantined offshore until crew gets COVID-19 tests, not STD tests
WASHINGTON — Vice President Mike Pence said late Monday that the Coast Guard Cutter Munro off the coast of San Francisco will remain offshore until funding for the crew to be
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Local General has epic day off while ‘sick’ with Coronavirus
HEIDELBERG, Germany — Lt. Gen. Christopher Cavoli, commander of all US Army forces in Europe, is totally not at work today because he has coronavirus and not because he’s having
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Commander holds mandatory all hands town hall for Coronavirus
FORT DIX, N.J. — In response to the outbreak of novel Coronavirus, or COVID-19, a commander has opted to hold a mandatory all hands meeting to discuss quarantine procedures.
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Space Force ‘ark’ nothing to be concerned about, commander tweets from orbit
WASHINGTON — A recent tweet from the commander of a program dubbed “The Ark” has increased national concerns over the project nobody outside the Department of Defense had ever heard of
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ISIS cancels all suicide attacks amid coronavirus scare
THE CALIPHATE — Amid growing fears of the coronavirus, or COVID-19, pandemic, the Islamic State has announced it is canceling all suicide attacks for the foreseeable future to protect its
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SECNAV: The best way to halt COVID-19 is a 355 ship navy
WASHINGTON — Acting Secretary of the Navy Thomas B. Modly cited the importance of a 355-ship navy in the fight against the novel coronavirus at a think tank roundtable today
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Young man follows family tradition as fourth generation to almost join military
FRANKFORT, Ky. — Daryl Hoffman Jr. felt pride as he kept the “faith of his fathers” by becoming the fourth generation in his family to almost join a branch of the
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First case of coronavirus traced to Marine putting hands in pockets
QUANTICO, Va. — The first confirmed case of the COVID-19 coronavirus in a U.S. military member has been traced to a Marine putting his hands in his pockets last
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Pentagon vows to upgrade burn pits into ball pits
THE PENTAGON — Responding to increasing pressure from Congress and veterans organizations regarding the potential negative health effects of burn pits, the Pentagon today finally promised concrete action. “We’re going
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Retiring NCO craps on unit's morale one last time
FORT BENNING, Ga. — Just one month from his final change of responsibility, Sgt. Maj. Christopher Roth realized that he needed one more emotional boost before his retirement. He had noticed
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Gunny wishes toddler would stop misbehooving
WASHINGTON — The two-year old dependent of a local Marine just won’t stop misbehooving, sources at the Washington Marine Barracks report. Gunnery Sgt. Chester Thompson, whom subordinates collectively describe
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