This week in American power projection: the map was wrong, the dorms were fine, and the travel card was for official purposes.
Story Roundup
Pentagon casualties, metric improvement, and Fat Leonard’s least dignified phase.
Situation Report
Latest dispatches
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Soldiers don't know what demeaning nickname to use for Space Force
THE UNDERGROUND — Reports from the E4 Mafia suggest soldiers are concerned about the Space Force: Specifically, what disrespectful nickname can we all decide on? “We weren’t ready for the
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Space Force doctrine mostly plagiarized from StarCraft video game
THE PENTAGON — Much of planned Space Force doctrine has been copied directly from the popular space-themed video game StarCraft, according to multiple sources. "Supply depot, refinery, barracks, refinery.
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Army HRC successfully matches 110% of officers to #1 assignment choice
FORT KNOX, Ky. — Army Human Resources Command (HRC) has been popping champagne corks all day after achieving a command first: 110 percent of Army officers have gotten their preferred number
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Kobe Bryant's death best possible time to bring up 22 a day, local veteran reasons
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Worldwide mourning over the tragic death of retired NBA superstar Kobe Bryant and eight others in a helicopter crash on Sunday also happens to be the best
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Police break-up unlicensed dentistry ring in barracks
FORT BRAGG, N.C. – Military police special-response teams raided a barracks complex last night on Gruber Road, arresting dozens of soldiers and shutting down an unlicensed dentistry ring that
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Marine who saved child from burning car without his cover to be punished
QUANTICO, Va. — Lance Cpl. Will Smithers will be removed from the Marine Corps early following his reckless behavior while in uniform, sources report. Smithers was driving home after a long
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Meet the camel spider hiding in your deployment luggage
YOUR HOME — A camel spider you unknowingly adopted during your recent Iraq deployment has expressed excitement at the prospect of finally meeting you. "I can't believe how
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Military doctors prepare to treat coronavirus just as ineptly as other ailments
TRIPLER ARMY MEDICAL CENTER, Hawaii — With cases of the heavily hyped coronavirus rising, military medical practitioners are preparing to combat the illness with the same expert care they applied to
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Specialist furious after finding general’s rifle unattended in latrine
KABUL -- Army Spc. Wyatt Allen was furious Thursday after finding a rifle unattended in a portable latrine on Bagram Air Base, sources say. Allen became even angrier when he discovered
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Islamic state leader disappointed by his lame target name
MOSUL, Iraq -- Islamic State leader Abu Abdul Bari always suspected infidel intelligence services were on to him. For years, he lived in fear of the CIA, Mossad, and the Ghost
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SEALs quietly end relationship with PR firm behind ‘bad boy’ image campaign
CORONADO, Calif. – Sources close to the Naval Special Warfare Command (NAVSPECWARCOM) have revealed the command has discreetly severed ties with the public relations firm of Livingston, Aldred, and Burley. Contracted
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Inspiring! This admin clerk does his job!
FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — Cpl. Marcus Watkins of the 173rd Logistical Battalion has inspired hundreds by actually doing his job, sources report. Watkins has been praised for filling out paperwork on
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Opinion: Everyone’s a Soulja boy until it’s time to superman that ho
As we stand on the precipice of yet another shitty little conflict, I was taken aback with the news that the Selective Service website recently crashed due to the overwhelming
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America’s top uniformed hacker guarding fort Meade gate
FORT MEADE, Md. — Army Sgt. Ryan Mayers is reported to be the best cyber operative in the entire Department of Defense. He has personally hacked into the mainframes of Russia,
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Raven believes in its dreams, successfully takes off
THIS CRAZY, BEAUTIFUL WORLD — Some moments in nature are beautiful simply because of how rare they are. Many beautiful events are nothing compared to the glory that is a raven
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Iraq sand still stuck in soldier's ass excited about returning home
YOUR COLON – Hello human carrier. It is us, the grains of sand stuck so far up your bunghole that you’d need a colonoscopy by a real civilian doctor to
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VA offers divorce loan
WASHINGTON — The Department of Veteran Affairs will now guarantee a loan to help service members leave their spouses, Secretary Robert Wilkie confirmed today. The loan looks to provide financial stability
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Army unveils 8 new badges you’re going to want!
WASHINGTON – The U.S. Army has announced its newest line of 2020 chest candy. Secretary of the Army Ryan McCarthy revealed that the significant expansion of the badge inventory is
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Mess hall commander fired due to 'loss of condiments'
The commander of a military dining facility at Bagram Airbase was fired this week due to a "loss of condiments" within his command, according to a Resolute Support
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Navy combat fatness test starts soon for chiefs and super chiefs
THE PENTAGON — The Army may have a new physical fitness test, but the Navy has countered with a new Combat Fatness Test. All chief petty officers and above are going
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Daredevil felix Baumgartner first recipient of Space Force jump wings
WASHINGTON – Austrian daredevil Felix Baumgartner was awarded U.S. Space Force jump wings today, making him the very first recipient of the new service’s most coveted badge. The U.
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VA finally mails disability rating decision to Navy veteran kirk douglas
WASHINGTON — The tenth Secretary of Veterans Affairs, The Honorable Robert Wilkie, is proud to announce his agency finally has mailed Navy veteran Kirk Douglas his disability rating decision. The Veterans
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Commander lets staff leave before 1900, loses war
FORT LEE, Va. — Lt. Col. Wendell Bowers caused the United States to lose the Global War on Terror this week after he allowed his S3 section leave prior to 1900
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Commander of ForceyMcSpaceFace deeply regrets crowdsourcing branch name
WASHINGTON, Planet Earth – The first Chief of Space Operations, Gen. John Raymond, deeply regrets crowdsourcing the name for America’s newest military branch, according to sources. “I thought it would
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Father of nine tasked with planning Afghanistan pullout
RESOLUTE SUPPORT HQ, Afghanistan — The potential for an end to The Forever War has prompted the generals in Afghanistan to scramble to create a formal plan for how to leave.
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