THE PENTAGON — In a shocking revelation that has left troops nationwide questioning their dietary choices, the Department of Defense announced today that the meat served in military dining facilities (DFACs) for decades has been a mix of cats, dogs, and an occasional wet market bat.

Col. William Boyardee, U.S. Special Operations Command’s Snack Officer, confirmed the long-standing rumor during a press conference at the Pentagon. 

“Alright, alright, you got us. It turns out that the mysterious meat served in DFACs was not the ‘Grade-H beef’ we claimed. Our culinary experts have been crafting culinary masterpieces from our furry friends,” said Boyardee while petting his visibly nervous Chihuahua.

The revelation came to light during a routine audit of supply chains, which unearthed decades-old contracts with suspiciously named suppliers such as “Paws & Claws Meats,” “Whiskers & Tails Catering Co,” and “PETA.” These companies, previously believed to be reputable vendors of traditional meat products, were fronts for a vast network of consumable pet peddlers.