SAN DIEGO, CA – Local teenager Travis Munroe is safe and back with his family today after being rescued by a platoon of Navy SEALs. Munroe, 17, was kidnapped months ago from his suburban home by an al Qaeda cell, and later shown in a terrorist propaganda video release out of Yemen.
Army Colonel Giles Davies of United States Special Operations Command spoke with TDB about the rescue:
“We are pleased to report the mission was a complete success for the SEALs. We recovered Mr Munroe along with the 3 terrorists guarding him. It was evident after his rescue that he had been extensively tortured by the terrorists, who were attempting to glean information about the unit they thought he was a member of. It seems that they confused his ignorance and claims to the contrary as resistance to their interrogation.”
The bizarre kidnapping came as a surprise for authorities who spent weeks attempting to discover the terrorists’ motives. The 17-year old McDonalds Fry Cook didn’t seem like a worthwhile target for an international terrorist organization. The most ‘combat’ he had seen was on Call of Duty and in Airsoft matches.
Naval Intelligence found the connection after stumbling upon Munroe’s Facebook profile.
“When we checked Mr. Munroe’s Facebook, we discovered an extensively crafted profile outlining him as being a member of the dissolved SEAL Team Six,” said Lieutenant Commander Charles Aimes. “It even came with a full set of pictures including one fast-roping out of a Blackhawk helicopter, which on closer observation was actually him sliding down a playground fire pole in air soft garb with a Blackhawk photoshopped into the background. It would have had even me convinced except for that fact that I know that no real Navy SEAL is fucking dumb enough to put this on Facebook.”
The irony of the incident is not lost on the SEALs who rescued Travis, as some have commented on condition of anonymity.
“These shit-brained keyboard commandos think it’s really cool and bad-ass to act like special operations forces,” said Chief John, “They don’t seem to be down with fucking reality where terrorists are actively trying to carry out reprisals against us.”
“It probably seemed like all fun and games for him in Call Of Duty,” said Team Commander Lieutenant Andy, “Though shit gets real pretty fucking fast when some asshole goes to clamp a pair of booster cables to your junk… Kid was special ops all right. Rode the god-damn short C-130 to work.”