KABUL, AFGHANISTAN — Last night at 2140 Afghan local time, outgoing ISAF Joint Command (IJC) leader Lt. Gen. Curtis Scapparotti announced to assembled press and senior military officials that the war in Afghanistan was over.

Amid streamers, fireworks, and an enormous MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner – reminiscent of President Bush's now infamous speech on the deck of an aircraft carrier shortly after the invasion of Iraq – the General smiled for the cameras and spoke of victory.

"I just gotta say, this is a great day for the US Military, and our country as a whole," said General Scapparotti.

Soldiers mobbed Dining Facilities (DFACs) across the war-torn nation in search of non-alcoholic beer to celebrate the historic event, while back on the home-front, millions of citizens took to the streets in thousands of impromptu "victory parties."

The cause for all of the celebration lies in the assessment slide at the center of the main briefing screen in the Kabul IJC -- headquarters for the entire war effort. It shows a map of Afghanistan, with a block next to each Province, indicating the progress in that particular region. For the first time in the history of the now 11 year war, all blocks are colored green.

The General was asked about his feelings on the slide after the press conference.

"I'm not going to lie to you, I thought we were pretty screwed here. I mean, we're losing one, maybe two soldiers every single day, spending almost a trillion dollars to keep the most corrupt government on earth in power, and indiscriminately killing civilians by the dozen," he says, shaking his head, as if trying to clear a bad memory.