Army Increases Combat Effectiveness With More Reflective Belts, Extremely Safe Combat Patrols

82nd Airborne Soldiers Patrol With Their Reflective Belts
82nd Airborne soldiers leave their forward operating base with safety on their side.

PANJWAI DISTRICT, AFGHANISTAN – Army Sergeant First Class James Hargrove knows the dangers of war. The platoon sergeant — currently on a year-long deployment with the 82nd Airborne — says he’s been worried about maintaining combat effectiveness since casualties have been so high.

His soldiers have seen increasing attacks from small arms, rocket-propelled grenades, and countless improvised explosive devices (IED).

“I was really concerned about whether or not we could keep this up for another five months,” says Hargrove. “I mean, how the fuck can you take the fight to the enemy when you’re losing guys like we are?”

“So I brought up the issue to my chain of command, and believe it or not, they did something about it.”

The grizzled platoon sergeant smiles and holds up the latest addition to a soldier’s protective gear when going outside the wire. A bright yellow reflective belt.

“When the CO called us all together and told us about the new policy, I was like holy-shit, why didn’t I think of that?”

Years of Army research of course has proven beyond a reasonable doubt that soldiers who wore reflective belts during low light hours were 75% less likely to get hit by cars, motorcyclists, pedestrians, small arms fire, explosions, lightning strikes, or fat wives in base housing.

The only question soldiers are asking is “why wasn’t this implemented sooner?”

As Hargrove’s platoon gears up for another combat patrol into the heart of an enemy village, the men are all smiles, helping each other adjust the neon-yellow straps to ensure maximum visibility during the dark hours of the night.

“There’s no way we’re going to take casualties with these babies!” exlaims PFC Lance Detwiller.

As the Americans exit the compound with their Afghan partners, the ANA seem to hang back, shying away from the US soldiers in formation.  When asked about this, SFC Hargrove believes it to be a simple answer.

“It’s probably just jealousy. I mean, there’s only so many reflective belts to go around, and our guys come first, ya know?”


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26 Comments

  1. I think we forgot to mention that the US forces working for the MFO in Egypt wear bright ass orange headgear. Bright colors prevent wars, duh!

  2. Just happened to look down on my desk and (re)found my old Motorcycle DDC card. Took it back in 92 or 93 back on Bragg (after taking a MUCH better course in Germany in order to get my USAREUR motorcycle endorsement). Having that card in your wallet, plus wearing a reflective vest or PT belt while riding was like LVL V body armor to spit-balls! As the reg never stated the COLORS required for the reflective vest, I found a black one with 2 white reflective strips sewn on. Got “questioned” a couple of times by “superiors” about it, asked them to look at the reg… topic never came up again…

  3. The soldiers in the picture need to get it together! Whatever happened to uniformity? Some have the belt over the right shoulder and some over the left!! Don’t they have any standards?

  4. Glow straps save lives in combat environment. Mortality rates climb back in garrison as glow belts are used as strangulation tools during suicide briefs. All branches of military baffled.

  5. I never read anything as funny as this! And the funniest of all are all the serious loonies out there who can’t take a fucking joke. I am 65 years old, did my time in Vietnam. I remember all the filthy jokes made at the expense of officers (junior and senior). But maybe I am too old to read this shit. I almost stroked out laughing. Get real, all you serious assholes out there! This is for fun. And our guys and gals in combat need this for stress relief. That’s my rant and I’m stickin’ to it.

  6. We need to add glowing florescent tattoos on the neck, wrists and ankles, yellow or orange so that the exposed areas will be visible. And all military personnel will now have ear piercings so that reflective warning triangles will be affixed. We will also mount strobes on our helmets with revolving mirrors so that the individual is as visible as possible.

    Safety first, mission last

  7. While at premob I was joking around because of the stupidity of the PT belt and wore my PT belt in the shower. Another warrior snapped a photo of me. Later in the deployment an LT was transferred to battalion and had to put together a shower SOP. After returning from a convoy mission the Battalion XO saw me in the chow hall and was laughing hysterically at me and commented ” you’re the PT belt in the shower guy.” Needless to say I never was injured in the shower.

  8. I know most of these comments are dripping with sarcasm but for the one or two people that really do think this is a good idea let me speak plainly, these people are fucking retards!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Decisions like this and flawed logic are killing our troops. On top of that, policy like this pushes REAL, salty soldiers to leave the army. Bullets, bombs and danger are not the reason soldiers leave the military, stupid politically correct, nonsensical, bureaucratic, left wing, hippy, safety weenies push real soldiers out of the army.

    • Ummm Robet (French?), who are you mad at? There is a reason most of the comments on here are “dripping” with sarcasm. We, the majority of posters, HAVE A FUCKING SENSE OF HUMOR! So, why are your panties all twisted? No one is really forcing our troops to patrol with cones on their heads or flashing lights on their backs (however, neon green safety vests are still optional). Just like no one forces people to post “serious,” stupid, trolling, blathering, idotic, out of contex faux anger shit on a satirical site. Oh, one more thing, and let me speak plainly, I don’t know of anyone on here that has ever been accused of fucking retards. That’s just sick man!! Is that a French thing????

  9. Johnson, did you forget your medicine today. Calm the f*ck down and reply to the damn article. If you want to advertise that you like SF guys, and who doesn’t, take out an ad. Jeez!

  10. The Army has gone soft. Go Special Forces or Ranger Bat, or get the fuck out and collect welfare. Fuck these soft CSM’s and Soft BC’s, all the way down to the Yes Sir PL’s. Bitches.

    • There is nothing safety oriented about this reply. Fantastic article that you are not contributing to. and fyi SF and Rangers are Army. or did you mean to say big Army versus SOCOM? Go troll somewhere else. I bet your cac card was taken from you a long time ago you call of duty playing fuckstick.

      ‘Merica!

      • not trying to argue with you Army Spouse. So shut the fuck up, and go sit in the bleachers on the parade field.

        • My my Johnson. Why such anger?? I’m willing to bet you’ve spent way too much time playing pocket pool instead of working…eh Tiny??? Kinda scrambled yer brains a little, didn’t it??? And I’ve got $20 on Army Spouse whippin’ yer ass all over this place! Big smiles!!

  11. Camo makes it hard to see those guys. Get them into orange and yellow safety shirts and construction helmets.

    Instead of those dangerous weapons, they should be carrying something safer. I opt for those human signboard deals that guys advertise with on sidewalks directing people to businesses. You can teach them to toss them in the air and spin them to attract attention. Make sure you space the guys out better, you don’t want them all advertising on the same street corner and in front of the same shop.

    And I’ve heard that there might be some money problems coming down the pike. You can sell space on the signs to make up some of the shortfall. Plus, you can improve COIN by renting space on one side for say ‘Coca-cola’ and give away space on the opposite sign to local businesses, ‘Ahkbar’s Carpets and IED’s’, ‘Shaheed’s Involuntary Disposable Wives – Guaranteed Virgins or Your Money Back’, ‘Crazy Omar’s New and Gently Used Goats’. it’ll prepare the troops for the jobs available when they get home. Win-win-win!

  12. WELL IT’S ABOUT TIME! I remember traveling from KAF out to FOBs that DIDN’T require reflective belts…I never felt safe out there…couldn’t wait to get back to KAF…and the shower…

  13. I’ve also seen orange flags at pedestrian crossings that OBVIOUSLY work. Affix those babies to our warriors’ helmets for full-time use. Bam, safety just happened.

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