WASHINGTON, D.C. - A spokesman for the U.S. Army announced today that top leadership was struggling to respond to what he called a "suicide epidemic" taking place during suicide prevention training.

Spokesman George Wright revealed that 62 soldiers had taken their own lives during the mandatory training curriculum in the past month alone.

"We knew we had a problem on our hands with the rise in suicides. It's a real crisis and the media kept hammering us on it," said Wright. "So we felt that giving a PowerPoint briefing would solve the problem."

The mandatory suicide prevention program instituted Army-wide includes suicide prevention video vignettes paired with a 2700-slide PowerPoint presentation. The class is usually taught by a therapist, the unit Chaplain, or some poor bastard NCO that was forced into being a certified suicide prevention instructor.