COLUMBIA, KY – Medal of Honor recipient Dakota Meyer reported today that he has received his initial invitation to join the League of Valor, a vigilante crimefighting organization composed of Marines whose amazing acts of heroism have been gradually forgotten by the Marine Corps.
“I was settling in for a nice quiet evening of polishing my gun collection and sharpening my knives, when I heard a muffled thump from outside,” Meyer told reporters.
“When I opened the door with the muzzle of my AR-15, I found someone had nailed a letter to my house with this big ‘League of Valor’ letterhead. Of course they had nailed it through a Mexican drug lord’s head, so the rest was hard to read.”
According to spokesman Jeremiah Workman, a former Marine and Navy Cross recipient, The League was formed in late 2008 after the Marine Corps began institutionally purging itself of all memories of the Iraq War.
“I first noticed it in 2009 when I was doing an event for my book Shadow of the Sword. I had two PFCs come up to me and ask what my book was about. When I said the Second Battle of Fallujah, they got really confused and asked if Fallujah had anything to do with Tun Tavern or Opha Mae Johnson.”
“It really hurt at first, but then I figured, hey, if nobody knows who I am, then I can pursue my real passion: a masked vigilante for justice.”
The League is believed to be responsible for countless covert and crimefighting activities on behalf of the United States, both at home and abroad.
It is headed by Navy Cross recipient Brian Chontosh, who disguises himself every day as mild-mannered Major Brian Chontosh, an instructor of Murderology at the United States Naval Academy.
“The nice thing about the League is that it gives us a chance to give back to both the Marine Corps, and the country at large,” said Major Chontosh, while turning arch-nemesis Captain Destruction over to police.
“With Sergeant Meyer, we figured we had another year or two before the Corps starts to forget Afghanistan, but after news of the 2012 drawdown came out, we figured we’d contact him as soon as we could.”
The invitation to to the League comes at a busy time for Meyer — who already splits his activities between writing books that blast “TOC-roaches“, helping veterans find jobs after transition, and raising money for children of fallen Marines.
Meyer said he’d already met the league first-hand and was intrigued, “as long as I don’t have to wear a mask or anything.”
“Fortunately Sergeant Major Bradley Kasal told me that you only need a mask if people know who you are.”
Major Chontosh, Sergeant Major Kasal, and Mr. Workman recently drove by Marine Corps Base Quantico, following their capture of a pair of bank robbers in nearby Fredericksburg.
As they passed the base, they noticed the gate guards having an animated argument over whether or not Chesty Puller does push-ups, or pushes the world down.
“Excuse me Marines,” Sergeant Major Kasal told them. “I’m Bradley Kasal. I just wanted to let you all know you’re doing a great job.”
As they drove past, the first gate guard turned to the other and was heard asking, “Who the fuck was that?”