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Stars Earn Stripes Funeral Service

HOLLYWOOD, CA – The entire cast of the the military-themed reality television show Stars Earn Stripes has been killed in Afghanistan, according to a statement released today from NBC.

“This is really an unfortunate tragedy,” said NBC Executive Andrew Jacobson. “These stars were trained by real professionals and given lots of fake Hollywood-style action shots. We thought that it would be fitting for the final assault of the season to take place in Afghanistan on the front lines with no help from their professional instructors.”

While many critics accused the show of using excessive special effects with fake explosions and bullets, NBC felt it was necessary to respond and change course in the season finale.

“We thought the best way to portray the hardships of being in the military was to use a real setting and a real mission, which is what we did by placing the stars in a real combat scenario. Unfortunately, the stars’ training didn’t cover actual military tactics, but rather focused on what looked cool on TV.”

Most of Hollywood is in shock and disarray over the deaths of such stars as Dean Cain and Terry Crews. Sylvester Stallone, who worked alongside Crews in other films, spoke to Duffel Blog amid tears.

“I never saw this coming. Terry was always on point on the set,” said Stallone. “He always seemed to be believable with the fake weapons and explosives we used. I expected him to excel on the show, and it’s truly regrettable that he was killed.”

According to the NBC statement, the cast of Stars Earn Stripes was on a top secret raid on the home of the leader of the Haqqani Network.

General James Mattis, CENTCOM Commander, allowed the raid to take place, saying “it’s about fucking time those pricks in Hollywood did something besides bitch to Congress. Let them take a few live rounds and see how ‘cool’ it is when their buddy is bleeding out of his fucking skull.”

The price of NBC stock has plummeted with the news of the show cancellation.

Mr. Jacobson informed the Duffel Blog that NBC is seeking an alternative set of stars for the next season of Stars Earn Stripes, but little interest is coming from Hollywood.

“It seems like these actors, they all talk about ‘support the troops this, support the troops that,’ and they do those USO tours where they sign autographs and take some pictures, but in the end, they really don’t get the premise of guns actually hurting people, namely themselves.”

An MQ-9 Reaper Drone flying overhead partially witnessed the tragedy, with pilot Major Willie Trevino watching.

“Apparently, Nick Lachey tried to sing a song for the Taliban or whoever the fuck they were fighting and they didn’t like it,” said Trevino. “Then they chopped his balls off before they hung him. I would have fired a missile at the compound, but these things are expensive, you know?”

The statement from NBC closes with an apology about the lack of further episodes.

“We here at NBC would like to apologize for airing this show and will no longer be showing any new episodes. We’d hate for people to get attached before the last episode where everyone gets fucking slaughtered.”

Some fans have already expressed their dismay at the cancellation, including Early Baldwin, an Alabama native and avid follower of the series. After calling NBC to lodge a formal complaint against the show’s cancellation, it was explained to him that the entire cast was murdered in a one minute fire-fight.

Early retorted, “I don’t give a shit, we gotta support the troops, now put the damn show back on!”

The Haqqani Network posted a statement to their Facebook page which said, “The cast of Stars Earn Stripes was killed. This is a tremendous victory against the Great Satan. These people weren’t even A-list celebrities, why try and ransom those rejects when it was so much more fun to cut off their balls?”