NBC Cancels Series, Entire Cast Of ‘Stars Earn Stripes’ Killed In Afghanistan

Stars Earn Stripes Funeral Service
Stars Earn Stripes Funeral Service
Stars Earn Stripes Funeral Service

HOLLYWOOD, CA – The entire cast of the the military-themed reality television show Stars Earn Stripes has been killed in Afghanistan, according to a statement released today from NBC.

“This is really an unfortunate tragedy,” said NBC Executive Andrew Jacobson. “These stars were trained by real professionals and given lots of fake Hollywood-style action shots. We thought that it would be fitting for the final assault of the season to take place in Afghanistan on the front lines with no help from their professional instructors.”

While many critics accused the show of using excessive special effects with fake explosions and bullets, NBC felt it was necessary to respond and change course in the season finale.

“We thought the best way to portray the hardships of being in the military was to use a real setting and a real mission, which is what we did by placing the stars in a real combat scenario. Unfortunately, the stars’ training didn’t cover actual military tactics, but rather focused on what looked cool on TV.”

Most of Hollywood is in shock and disarray over the deaths of such stars as Dean Cain and Terry Crews. Sylvester Stallone, who worked alongside Crews in other films, spoke to Duffel Blog amid tears.

“I never saw this coming. Terry was always on point on the set,” said Stallone. “He always seemed to be believable with the fake weapons and explosives we used. I expected him to excel on the show, and it’s truly regrettable that he was killed.”

According to the NBC statement, the cast of Stars Earn Stripes was on a top secret raid on the home of the leader of the Haqqani Network.

General James Mattis, CENTCOM Commander, allowed the raid to take place, saying “it’s about fucking time those pricks in Hollywood did something besides bitch to Congress. Let them take a few live rounds and see how ‘cool’ it is when their buddy is bleeding out of his fucking skull.”

The price of NBC stock has plummeted with the news of the show cancellation.

Mr. Jacobson informed the Duffel Blog that NBC is seeking an alternative set of stars for the next season of Stars Earn Stripes, but little interest is coming from Hollywood.

“It seems like these actors, they all talk about ‘support the troops this, support the troops that,’ and they do those USO tours where they sign autographs and take some pictures, but in the end, they really don’t get the premise of guns actually hurting people, namely themselves.”

An MQ-9 Reaper Drone flying overhead partially witnessed the tragedy, with pilot Major Willie Trevino watching.

“Apparently, Nick Lachey tried to sing a song for the Taliban or whoever the fuck they were fighting and they didn’t like it,” said Trevino. “Then they chopped his balls off before they hung him. I would have fired a missile at the compound, but these things are expensive, you know?”

The statement from NBC closes with an apology about the lack of further episodes.

“We here at NBC would like to apologize for airing this show and will no longer be showing any new episodes. We’d hate for people to get attached before the last episode where everyone gets fucking slaughtered.”

Some fans have already expressed their dismay at the cancellation, including Early Baldwin, an Alabama native and avid follower of the series. After calling NBC to lodge a formal complaint against the show’s cancellation, it was explained to him that the entire cast was murdered in a one minute fire-fight.

Early retorted, “I don’t give a shit, we gotta support the troops, now put the damn show back on!”

The Haqqani Network posted a statement to their Facebook page which said, “The cast of Stars Earn Stripes was killed. This is a tremendous victory against the Great Satan. These people weren’t even A-list celebrities, why try and ransom those rejects when it was so much more fun to cut off their balls?”


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33 Comments

  1. I didn’t watch any of the horseshit show. Never was put in harms way and never fired a shot in anger in my time in the USMC, but know plenty of people that have been and I don’t beleive anyone of them would approve of the shit. Wesley Clark said he wanted to show people what the troops go through? Well General I think you sold your soul. Eat shit and squat.

  2. HaHAHAHA. LOLed with LOLphter…still LOLing. The Nick Latchkey singing especially was tawdry. I am so fired up now that I might just go out in the yard with my kids, get them to understand being on line, and then just sweep until we can find a cigarette butt.

    One of my meritorious masts came from my specialty training in this art.

  3. I can not understand the venmom some send your way – “real soliders were killed today,” we (you, me, and the other COMBAT vets) know that- gallows humor? I do not know, but every dead Marine I know (er, knew him before he died that is) would love this shit!

  4. How many times will I read the comment section of this site to see that some complete fucking moron thought this was real?

  5. Real great move making lite about these D-listers getting killed in Afghanistan when 11 REAL soldiers died today……Real classy, fuckwit.

    • @McCracken, if we had to check the news feeds and status reports before making lite about the daily ridiculousness Hollywood hoists upon us so as not offend (what was that term you used, oh yes… fuckwits), like yourself, then the world would be a gloomy place indeed. Why dont you get with your supply sergeant and requisition yourself a sense of humor “Hero”…

    • Real soldiers are dying here everyday. You choose to point a finger at a joke site today? Fuck you pal.

  6. I’m not so much weeping for the ‘stars’ who were killed, as I am for the fact that our entertainment industry, which for years has been promoting mock violence as entertainment, that they had completely lost sight of the difference between mock-violence and the very real violence of war – expecting that the training those actors received in order to look good on a stage set would be anywhere near enough to keep them alive in a war zone. And no one tried to stop it. Just as we have all gone along with th gratuitous violence in the movies and television drama. War is certainly glorious, is it not?

  7. General Mattis nailed it again. It’s about time these retards found out what really happens on the front lines. Oh by the way, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!

  8. Having not watched television in years, I knew nothing of this ridiculous show other than internet headlines.

    This is the first article I have opened on this show, and quite frankly, I expected a link to The Onion.

    If this is an authentic story, it restores my faith in a just God.

    When a society thinks war is entertainment, it deserves to fall.

  9. That’s some funny shite right there…… I like the way you think. Keep up the good work! Team Sergeant
    P. S. I placed a link on our website to this article.

  10. This is just heartbreaking. So many C & D list celebrities will never be able to make appearances on “Ellen” or HSN again. What. will. we. do?

  11. Draft more Hollyweird stars. The “enemy” is not going to get away with this atrocity. Let’s roll.

  12. Besides being too expensive to fire that rocket into the village, isn’t it still against ROE to fire into a village known to be housing terrorists?

  13. Colbert report shoved Nick Lachey saying “This is a once a lifetime experience.” Colbert “Unless you enlist then you could do it everyday.” Love the site guys wish they had it when I was in the AF. Then again there was no internet either.

  14. “murdered in a one minute fire-fight.” … Outstanding. XD

    Do you guys keep a straight face when you write this stuff? 😀

  15. I witnessed the whole thing from the TOC. The video feed from the Reaper gave us some great Powerpoint slides!

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