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The cover of ‘Fifty Shades of Green’

The newest hit novel to sweep the world off its feet, Fifty Shades of Green, is a book that defies categorization. Billed by many as erotic fiction, by others as a thriller/suspense, and by some as petty novice work, the book no doubt still has fans aching for more.

Set in present day Texas, the tale tells the story of Billy Bob Carter, a recent high school graduate who meets a smooth talking man in a fancy, pressed military uniform. After a series of intimidation, fast food meals, trips to the mall, and promises of shooting guns, cheap hookers, and glory, Billy is bamboozled into signing a contract that literally gives his life over to the whims of the man’s shadowy organization, known only as “the Marine Corps.”

Billy soon finds himself on a plane, where he awaits three months of brainwashing hell on a deserted, swamp-infested island.

But that’s not all.

He quickly learns that he is subject to repeated and raunchy anal rape by a ghastly entity dubbed “the green weenie,” who is not even kind enough to allow the use of lube.

Sure, he is showered with gifts and perks here and there, but Billy still finds himself torn between loving and hating his contract. Will he sign yet another four-year contract? Or will he free himself from this hate/love affair forever?

Reception of the novel couldn’t be more mixed.

The book’s growing cult-following is at about an Eight, on a scale of “One to Twilight.” One diehard fan, Jessica Peters, exclaimed, “Oh my gawd! This is the best freaking book in the whole entire universe! I love it so so much and I can’t wait ’til the next book comes out or maybe even a movie oh my gawd! oh my gawd! I love it! I love it! I love it!” before trailing off into mumbling, followed by tears.

Others would rather see the book banned from bookshelves and burned.

Marine recruiter Sergeant Jose Garcia disagrees with the book’s portrayal of recruiters as devious snake-oil salesmen, but lamented that “as far as military life goes, it’s a pretty accurate representation.”

“I don’t let any of my poolees read it, and I just tell them that the author [R.L. Stines] is probably a disgruntled former dependapotamus.”

The book is rated 4 on a 5-point scale of green weenies and is now available in stores worldwide.