KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA –The anti-American protests spreading throughout the Islamic world over an anti-Muslim film took a startling turn today when the Marine Security Detachment at the U.S. Embassy in Malaysia decided to burn down their own embassy.
“Wow, that movie was really offensive,” sobbed Corporal John Webb from Stockton, California, after he smashed the windows of the gatehouse he normally guards. “We have to take a stand – a stand so loud and angry that no one will ever make something like this again!”
The detachment had recently attended a mandatory two-day culture class required for all Marines deploying to Muslim-majority countries, entitled “Islam: A Peaceably Peaceful Religion of Peace”, sponsored by the Center for Advanced Operational Cultural Learning (CAOCL).
Following the class, the instructor showed the detachment the controversial movie trailer Innocence of Muslims, which has sparked massive protests and riots against US embassies and consulates in Egypt, Libya, and Yemen.
“I figured that since they now understood the basic tenets of the Islamic faith, they could appreciate the gut rage that many Muslims felt on seeing this offensive video,” said CAOCL instructor George Robinson.
Instead the Marines became agitated, first attacking the projector and film screen, then refusing to return to their posts until the United States government had formally disowned the film and arrested its producer.
When US Ambassador Paul Jones came down to the classroom and explained that the best way to fight ignorance and hatred was through calm and rational discussion, after a brief moment of reflection, detachment commander Staff Sergeant Matthew Williams from Traverse City, Michigan yelled “No, fuck that!” and threw a paperweight at him.
The Marines then went on a rampage, smashing windows and overturning desks, until a mandatory evacuation of the embassy was ordered, at which point the Marines proceeded to further ransack the building and surrounding courtyard before burning the embassy to the ground.
“Thanks to my cultural training, I now totally empathize with the protesters,” Sergeant Ethan Childers said, after he burned an American flag and yelled “Death to the Great Satan!”
Some members of the embassy staff initially applauded the Marines’ actions as a type of clever ruse to evacuate the embassy and joined in, hurling stones and shouting anti-American slogans while blending into a crowd of onlookers gathering outside.
Not all Marines participated in the riots for cultural reasons: one sergeant said that he assumed by its production value that Innocence of Muslims was some type of pornographic film and flew into a blind rage when it ended with no sex.
Following the incident, spokesmen for CAOCL have pledged to reexamine their curriculum, the first time the organization has done so since 2005, when an instructor was caught hiring illegal Mexican immigrants to portray Iraqi insurgents.
The Marine Security Detachment has now announced that they will continue to occupy the embassy grounds until the makers of other crudely stereotypical films, such as The Hurt Locker and Battleship, have also been arrested.
Duffel Blog investigative writer Dark Laughter also contributed to this report.