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FORT DRUM, NY — Army officials have announced a new program for transitioning soldiers they say will help curb veteran unemployment and help them fluff their résumés even better than their civilian counterparts.

The Soldier To Civilian Work Program (SCWP) is designed to help soldiers assess their skills and help them get a head-start into the civilian world.

Lt. Gen. Thomas Bostick believes this is an important step to help military members transition from the battlefield into the office.

“Many soldiers leave the Army with no idea of how to fill out a résumé, or even how to behave in a job interview. Our goal with the SCWP is to teach these soldiers that on your list of previous experiences, it’s not okay to put ‘Hadji Killing 08-10.'”

Sergeant Aaron Bourne is set to seperate from the Army in less than two weeks and has recently enrolled in SCWP.

“I thought it was kind of a dumb program, but the CO ordered me to enroll because it looks good on his OER or some bullshit. Come to find out though, I had no idea what it would be like to fill out a résumé or to go to an interview. The program has really helped,” Bourne said.

“I went to a mock interview in my best t-shirt that says something like ‘Ranger the Fuck Up.’ The civilians that were hired to do this mock interview told me that I should consider something more classy, like maybe a button up shirt at the least. My shirt collection includes a ‘Beards Save Lives‘ shirt, but I don’t even own a button up. Who knew that was important?”

The panel of civilians also recommended a long sleeve shirt to cover up SGT Bourne’s tattoos of skulls on his forearms that he says represent “how many towel heads I put in the fucking ground.”

The program has received positive feedback from most soldiers. Still, there are some detractors.

Specialist Jason Smith is one soldier who views the program as “worthless.”

“The SCWP? Yeah, fuck that shit! I’ve got less than 10 days until I ETS and they want to make me go sit in a classroom. Bull-fucking-shit man.”

When asked if he’d even tried the program, Smith said, “Yeah I tried that shit, but they said that for job experience on my résumé I can’t put ‘Major League Infidel,’ or even ‘I shot lots of machineguns.’ It’s ridiculous man, I DID shoot lots of machineguns!”

The soldier believes the Army “shouldn’t be holding his hand.”

“I already have a plan for when I ETS and it involves moving into my mom’s basement in Illinois, collecting unemployment while drinking a fifth of tequila every night, and reading the Duffel Blog to keep up with the current events in the military.”

Bostick expects the program to have its nay-sayers but overall thinks it will be a success.

“The last thing I want is to hear the Joint Chiefs bitching about the high veteran unemployment rate. If these retards can’t get it through their thick skulls that McDonald’s doesn’t care how many weapon systems you’re qualified on, then I don’t know what else to try.”

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