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PARRIS ISLAND, SC – South Carolina State Police released a bulletin today announcing they were looking for a man who allegedly pretended to be a drill instructor and stole a recruit platoon at Marine Corps Recruit Depot Parris Island for several hours.

The man, claiming his name was Staff Sergeant Hector Mantuf from 3rd Recruit Training Battalion, stole Platoon 3053 from the Receiving Building around 1pm yesterday.

The platoon was formed up outside the building after receiving a routine class on the proper way to shave pubic hair in “a way fitting of the Marine Corps and the United States Naval Service,” according to a Depot spokesman.

“This recruit’s Senior Drill Instructor had just walked away to go scream at passing cars when another drill instructor just walked right up and told the platoon to follow the drill instructor,” said Recruit Mark Tillens.

Platoon 3053 was subsequently found in the woods near Page Field, where they had been ordered to stare at trees until further notice.

There were no major injuries, but one recruit had received a broken finger, following his inability to stare at a tree and his platoon guide’s subsequent correction of this deficiency.

When asked why no one questioned Mr. Mantuf’s credentials, Recruit Tillens responded, “This recruit has been trained to instantly obey orders, and the things the drill instructor wanted this recruit to do were so asinine and pointless, how could this recruit have possibly known the drill instructor was an impostor?”

Others, like Drill Instructor Staff Sergeant Carl Rennell, think the recruits are to blame.

“It should have been friggin obvious to any friggin recruit that this … uh, friggin individual wasn’t the real doggone deal.  During our all-night friggin debriefing of the friggin platoon, one of the friggin recruits managed to gasp out that he was only two motherloving paces away from the platoon while friggin marching instead of the doggone required three.”

“It’s friggin stuff like that that really gives you away as a motherloving fraud,” Staff Sergeant Rennell continued.  “But we don’t blame our friggin recruits for not knowing… we blame their parents.”

It is unknown how the individual managed to infiltrate Parris Island’s famous triple-layered security, consisting of a minefield, a 70-foot wall patrolled by armed guards, and a moat filled with man-eating alligators and lions.

Brigadier General Lori Reynolds, the Commanding General of Parris Island, said that while she admired Mr. Mantuf’s ability to control and haze a platoon of recruits with no formal training, the drill instructor program is carefully controlled and monitored to ensure that the maximum number of Marines fulfill their B-billets.

“Right now there is some poor Sergeant stuck being a combat instructor or on recruiting duty because of people like Mr. Mantuf.”

General Reynolds added that, “If this individual simply wanted to haze our recruits, he could have just come for one of our family fun days. Last year one of our company first sergeants brought his one-year old daughter whose only words were ‘Push, bitch.’”

The general continued, chuckling, “She had those recruits doing push-ups until the sun went down.”

General Reynolds said that the Recruit Depot is working on preventing similar incidents from occurring in the future, possibly by branding recruit platoons or issuing drill instructors special whistles that only recruits can hear.

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