Congressman Horrified To Learn Soldiers Issued Green Fleece Caps Maxx Butthurt October 28, 2012 Army 44 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: WASHINGTON, D.C. — A congressman reported today that he was horrified to learn that the Army has been issuing its soldiers green fleece watch caps since 2006. The shocking revelations came during a drive through downtown Washington, where Sen. Carl Levin (D-Mich.) observed a unit of Army reserve soldiers out for a run. “The first thing I thought was ‘those are the stupidest things I’ve ever seen!’ Then I realized they were American soldiers and I almost threw up in my mouth,” said Levin, after adjusting his flag lapel pin. “Then I of course thanked them for their service.” The oversized headgear replaced a more popular, civilian-modeled black version that was widely loved among soldiers, after Army leadership observed the soldiers wearing the caps off-duty in all types of outdoor situations. “I mean, I remember when they had those black caps, and they looked great with everything. After the incident this morning, I did a little research. These things don’t match a single uniform we have in the inventory!” said Levin. “What kind of dipshit would authorize something like this?” Duffel Blog reporters tracked down Sergeant Major of the Army Raymond Chandler, to confront him on the issue. “It’s all about value and appearance. When we gave soldiers the black cap, they would use them to ski, hunt, and pretty much anything else outdoors without looking like a jackass. On the Army’s dime! Well not on our watch,” stated Chandler with a smirk. “That’s why we changed it to this over sized piece of garbage. No one would be caught dead in this thing! Plus the chemical runoff we use to dye these is actually cheaper than the warm, tight fitting micro fiber in the old caps. The switch cost the Army over ten million dollars, but the savings per unit will make sure we get our money back in less than 24 years! You can’t beat a deal like that.” When asked why the color didn’t match anything currently worn by Army soldiers, Chandler was quick to flip open his ever present notebook and read from a section of highlighted notes on uniforms. “Since the color doesn’t go with anything in the inventory, it will always break up the outline and color patterns of the soldier!” recited Chandler, who then removed a handwritten page from the company who manufactured the caps. “Furthermore… this is the best watch cap in the history of watch caps. Guaranteed!” After being asked about the recent cases of frostbite attributed to soldiers in the field during sub-zero weather when they weren’t authorized to wear the misshapen, gnome-like caps, his answer was simple. “I remember back at the Sergeants Major Academy. One of the first courses was how to identify and outlaw efficient gear. This was just a natural progression at the Big Army level. We do our best to keep these things away from any environment where they might actually be needed.” Chandler refused to comment on the apparent hypocrisy of issuing intentionally deficient gear that can’t be used when needed. Clenten Lewis says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM The fleece cap is awesome… Focus on pay cuts!! Peter Kirk says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM wait until they issue the, watch cap/underwear (uni) version next year! Jim Olson says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM I loved the black watch caps. Ted Nelson says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM Yeah, I miss the old watch caps too. Atlee Anderson says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM as with most good comedy, there has to be a grain of truth to it. Reading this I realize that the grain of truth behind THIS story is the size of an M1A1…. Thomas Deane says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM the reason it doesn’t match anything is that they go with the Improved Physical Fitness Uniform; in an oversight, when the BDU uniform was replaced with the ACU pattern, they did not replace the pile cap or the “duck hunter” hat with anything for joe to wear in the cold weather on their head. Currently this is the only hat we have in our uniform inventory when it gets cold. Ben Tew says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM I know No one on here is critizing the Military and the way we do business….. Nathan Fellows says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM I actually like the things, sure they aren’t as good as what was being issued, but I like them none the less… Arick Gardner says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM I don’t get the big deal. I like the green (grey!) micro fleece cap. Why the hell is a cap a fashion statement? It works fine for me and I were it all the time at my college campus. What does piss me off is when the military refuses to let us use gear so that we are all uniform. Fuck that. I understand if we’re in public. In training or overseas, fuck you if its like the cap and meant to stop you from getting cold weather injuries, that’s not a fashion problem, that’s a health problem. Robert P. Wills says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM Nothing beats my Field Jacket liner sewed into my green wet weather top and my black knit cap. The whole world could come to an end and my core temperature would stay at a nice, even “toasty”. Victor Felix says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM there you go. Daniel McNeely says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM I once got a summarized Article 15 for wearing my black watch cap west of Gruber Rd. without a helmet. Actually there were five of us caught red-handed by the BDE CDR no less. Alex Dow says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM “Since the color doesn’t go with anything in the inventory, it will always break up the outline and color patterns of the soldier!” Why not blaze orange caps then? At least they’re warmer, and it won’t stick out THAT much more than regular ACUs. Megan Hurwitt says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM I know this is satire, but the watch cap matches the cold weather pt jacket and the velcro on our acus… Michael Hasbun says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM I knew there was a conspiracy! =o) Scott Baker says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM Its called a toque (pronounced two-ke, or, too-k, rhymes with, well, never mind). Been popular in the great white north for years, lol. Dave Kinser says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM I went from active duty to the Guard just as these were starting to be issued, so I never had one myself, but some of the soldiers in my Guard unit had them. I was more than a little surprised to find that they went against Army tradition by not weighing significantly more than the item they replaced. Rick Schultz says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM This is the type of shit we’ve been dealing with for years and it doesn’t stop at the army why do we let these fashion Nazi’s dictate tradition and telll us what would work for us when they’re not the ones “in the shit”…….there is not one piece of euipment that was issued to me by the most powerful country that ever walked this planet that I would not hesitate to use as a shop rag or selll at a pawn store because its not worth one penny of the tax payer’s dolllar…andf BTW the ole black watch cap! I stilll have one and I wear it so FY Chandler and You need to getback on the line and stay away from the politics…the war is this way……folllow me! Brett Weeks says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM “After being asked about the recent cases of frostbite attributed to soldiers in the field during sub-zero weather when they weren’t authorized to wear the misshapen, gnome-like caps,…” Boy does that bring back memories: pile caps in the winter at Fort Hood in garrison- everyone’s ear flaps either had to be uniformly up, or down- no individual discretion of course. When they were up, they had to be very neatly rolled & tucked all the way around- no sloppy “dog ears” or “antlers”- even if you were running inside a building for a second. it took time to get the ear flaps rolled up properly to meet battalion standards, so no one ever wanted to put their flaps down, no matter how cold it got. So we had a piece of head gear that both looked stupid and rendered useless for it’s intended purpose. Jonathan Schulte says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM Those caps are green? I always thought they were grey. Ben Holtz says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM This has to be my favorite website. It’s impossible not to smile while reading this. I hope they come out with a series of books like The Onion did so they can shut up and take my money. Afghan A Bannanastand says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM I heard they were made from the souls confiscated at 1SG promotion ceremonies. Pedro Vera says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM So THAT is why they kept outlawing any piece of useful gear? I remember in the early 90s when they (Army) decided to happily sell us a specific type of boot, comfortable like nothing else but right as everyone had at least one pair they decided that they didn’t look military enough and outright outlawed them. What really made it annoying was every time we would drive in and out of Ramstein AFB all of the SPs would be wearing the exact same type of boot. Chris Fleisher says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM “One of the first courses was how to identify and outlaw efficient gear.” Yup. Courtney Poe says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM they look much warmer, i think if they are fighting or in the winter time it would be acceptable. this journalist is too harsh Thomas Townsend says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM Alas! This HAS to be satire. An Army Reserve unit doing organized PT? C’mon! Enrique Diaz says: December 15, 2013 at 6:23 PM On the Armys dime? Its a fucking watch cap, its free advertising for the Army if you ask me Chandler, you cocksucker, I hope you die of friendly fire you complete and utter piece of shit waste of human flesh. If the world is lucky someone will strangle you with that useless garbage you call a watch cap. JKarfit says: November 19, 2012 at 9:23 AM Actually they are issued…..My husband has one and it matches their new jackets that are the same color green. Forner AF says: October 31, 2012 at 11:42 PM That green fleece is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. Thought it was part of the joke until I read the comments. Please tell me that is not actually issued. Morale Hoover says: October 29, 2012 at 10:39 AM Top Tip! If you leave the plastic bag on the new fleece it makes it wind and waterproof. Amazing utility. Crazy Cracker says: October 29, 2012 at 9:14 AM I believe the real tragedy is lost. That piece of crap green fleece. My black fleece was more efficient. Actually worked at keeping the individual warm, the green fleece, barely filtered a fart. Hey typical army though with uniforms, its a hey, pick a new uniform every 5 years to secure that kickback and job for that contractor when i retire. Screw picking things that actually work. Kevin P. McQuade makes more sense then the army sometimes. Col. R.G. Fitzbottom says: October 29, 2012 at 5:25 AM I just revised AR-670-1 for my unit. I am bringing back the “pile cap” my troops will not wear that fucking green condom. G-Sleazy says: October 29, 2012 at 4:32 AM I’d really like to see the explanation for the atrocity that is the Navy’s NWU parkas. Hotter than balls, difficult to stow, seldom used and yet STILL a required seabag item. CPT America says: October 29, 2012 at 2:56 AM Thanks Tom, it’s because of men like you that we have the oversized, green PT cap leftoftheboom says: October 28, 2012 at 11:41 PM My fleece cap is second in my heart after my poncho liner. Tom Hosman says: October 28, 2012 at 5:04 PM I just retired after thirty-two years in the Army: Active, Reserves and Guard. This hat goes with our ACUs. I’m up here in Minnesota, and it keeps my ears plenty warm. I’ve worn a couple versions of the old watch cap too. I don’t think that they were as warm as this green cap is. And here is a secret. The caps will never, ever look the same because soldiers heads are different shapes and sizes, and men and women have different hair lengths. Sorry Senator. Darrell B. says: October 28, 2012 at 5:55 PM Thanks for retiring, Tom. sundog says: October 28, 2012 at 6:27 PM Ouch! Army Wife (P) says: October 29, 2012 at 1:46 AM Zing! QB says: October 28, 2012 at 12:48 PM The Army Uniform Board recently issued a statement: “This is the best cap made for keeping long hair in place during rigorous activity.” The Marine Corps was offered the opportunity to participate in the procurement in the spirit of interoperabiity but declined even though the color compliments nothing the Marine Corps sports either. SgtMaj of the Mariine Corps Barrett stated “Someone will find a way to make this useful. That will never do. If we start giving Marines compfort items they will turn into a bunch of candy-asses…we have enough of those in the armed forces now.” Timothy D Little says: October 28, 2012 at 8:34 AM I loved my black fleece cap. I don’t give a fuck bout how it looked or who in the chain did not like it. Michael Rollhauser says: October 28, 2012 at 8:06 AM Finally.