THE PENTAGON – Earlier today, the Department of Defense released details of its highly secretive T-700 program — the culmination of a goal to design and build mankind’s first mechanized humanoid war platform. The “Giant Death Robot”, as its nick-named, was a collaborative effort between the Michigan Institute of Technology, the Department of Defense, and leading expatriate scientists who fled chaos in the Middle East.
Standing behind a wooden podium, lead researcher Jackson Peterson addressed a crowd of reporters and scientists.
“Welcome, everyone and thank you for coming. You all know me, and I know why you’re all here. So, without further ado. . . I give you, Warbot T-700,” said Peterson with a flourish of his arm.
At this moment a large red curtain was drawn back and the three story tall machine was revealed. Blaring a digitized version of The Flight of the Valkyries, Warbot T-700 strode to the center of the stage. The machine cycled its weaponry and scanned the crowd. Rearing back, it pointed an artillery piece towards the back of the room and blasted red, white, and blue confetti over everyone present. There was a deafening applause. In a remarkably gentle gesture, Warbot T-700 leaned over and gingerly took the microphone in its gigantic graspers.
“My fellow Americans,” it began in a mechanical voice, “Barack Obama is a Kenyan Muslim, and I will not follow his orders.”
A silence came over the crowd. There was a fury of activity as Peterson, laughing nervously, ran behind the machine and audibly tinkered with mechanisms. Warbot T-700 twitched, slumped over, and the dull red lights situated in the machine’s face went dead. Emerging from behind the deathbot, Peterson raised a remote with one large red button marked “On.” After pushing the button, the light returned to T-700’s eyes, and it straightened its posture.
“System Reboot/… Returning To Firmware Protocol/… loading… “ the T-700 said.
“There we go, all better.” said Peterson.
The robot, officially designated the MHWP, is colloquially known as the T-700. The machine is almost twenty feet tall and weighs in at approximately 78 tons. The robot’s size is only dwarfed by its arsenal which includes a shoulder-mounted 155 mm howitzer, two arm mounted industrial flame throwers, and a smattering of .50 caliber machine guns. The impressive array of firepower, however, is only ancillary to its primary purpose.
“Well, the problems of modern urban warfare are not fixed with firepower,” explained Peterson. “We’ve already got tanks and planes to level neighborhoods. Really, the driving philosophy of the program was the characteristic that our larger weapons just don’t have – agility. We designed T-700 to function as a bigger version of a soldier. You know: run-shoot-communicate-kill type stuff. That’s why we gave him the fifteen foot long titanium sword. A tank can’t chase an insurgent down an alleyway and impale him with a giant metal shard, lift him 40 feet in the air, and emanate a 2,000 dB, window-shattering battle-cry — this dude can. There really is no getting away from this thing.”
T-700 finished his booting process, jerked its head up, and stomped a huge hole into the stage –getting itself stuck in the process. “Must kill all puny monkey-people!” emitted Warbot T-700 from the speaker box implanted in its face.
“We admit that he still has a few glitches.” Peterson said from behind the podium. “Among these is a reoccurring jam in the ammunition feed of the octo-mounted .50 caliber machine guns fixed to T-700’s back.”
T-700 confusedly tried to pull its leg out of the stage.
“Our biggest concern is the communications noise that T-700 receives from the Skynet satellite system whenever he boots from the firmware. But, we are hard at work on all of these bugs. We anticipate that T-700 will be deployable by the end of the month,” said Peterson.
Perhaps the crowning achievement of Peterson’s research team is not outside the robot, but rather – inside. T-700 is powered by a single large Sextanduple D battery. This battery was designed and built by the project team itself and utilizes the tears of privates and new medics.
“Private tears are really a remarkable resource. All of the wallowing and self-pity somehow effects the pH balance of the teardrops, making them more acidic. Because of this, they are a ready source of electron conduction. We’ve found that, if efficiently harvested, these tears can power a veritable legion of T-700s,” said Peterson.
Despite the excitement in the Pentagon, many national politicians are criticizing the administration’s timing of the announcement.
“This is clearly just another episode of President Obama leaking classified material in order to score political points. This is an outrage.” said congressional hopeful Martin Selpulveda. “I love the vets, and I want to see them taken care of. By releasing this information, President Obama is placing them in harm’s way. I just can’t abide by that – it is malicious, cowardly, and dishonorable.”
The Pentagon has not responded to any of the charges.