Gangnam Style Gets Taliban Fighter Executed
MAIWAND DISTRICT, AFGHANISTAN – Gangnam Style, the viral internet sensation featuring Korean pop-sensation Psy, has earned a new accolade over the weekend — this time in Afghanistan. It has become the first international music hit to be banned by the conservative Taliban leadership since Justin Timberlake’s “Sexy Back” was outlawed in 2006 for provoking fits of lust in the local men when sung by young dancing boys.
This latest incident came after local Taliban squad leader, Mohammed Fuq Mohammed, allowed a patrol of Americans to walk through an unarmed IED belt here in Southern Afghanistan. Instead of attaching the batteries to the explosive devices that morning, Mohammed spent his waking hours dancing and singing along with the video again and again, even encouraging his subordinates to participate in the party.
This is not the first time the Taliban have been taken in by a Western internet craze, but it is the first time combat operations on the ground were directly affected. Local commander Mohammed Saheeb Mohammed discovered the incident after frantically reporting the approaching American patrol to his soldiers and ordering them to prepare for combat.
Instead of a reply, Mohammed heard the Korean music blasting through the tiny speakers of his handset.
Upon approaching the ambush position he saw his soldiers imitating the horse-riding dance and attempting to teach it to the youngest members of the team. He immediately arrested the other Mohammed and brought him to the Taliban Operations Center where he was sentenced to death.
However, not all the soldiers agreed with the decision. Taliban Lance Jihadi Mohammed Mohammed reacted cynically.
"Allah-dammit man, I mean seriously. We're out here in an ambush position all day. Only two boys, and not a single sheep to entertain us. All we have is that iPod. What else are we supposed to do? This is bullshit man. The CO is such an asshole."
His rant was cut short when Mohammed’s Platoon Sergeant walked by, and seized the much smaller fighter by the collar of his man-dress.
"You think the infidels driving around, listening to music in their giant armored war machines? Dancing on their FOBs, or making videos on the internet? No! They’re training every day, shooting, and doing PT on monkey bars all throughout the evening. They never sleep, they just think of better ways to kill you!”
As an example to the rest, Mohammed was sentenced to die by firing-squad before the next safety brief. However, as most of the members of his unit were former Afghan National Army (ANA) soldiers, they were unable to hit the prisoner a single time before running out of ammunition. Frustrated and angry, his squad leader then ordered Mohammed executed in the traditional fashion, by forcing him to have sex with a woman until he killed himself out of shame.
When Psy, the Korean pop-singer was asked to comment about this latest incident involving his wildly popular video, he responded, “Where the hell is Afghanistan?”