GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba — In a controversial move praised by the international community as a promotion of human rights, the Department of Defense has begun allowing prisoners at Guantanamo Bay to seek Post 9/11 GI Bill benefits.
While these benefits have traditionally been restricted to veterans of the U.S. Military to use in pursuit of a degree, the Pentagon has seen fit to begin allowing GTMO prisoners to enroll in the program.
DoD Spokesman Wesley Manheim said that it was all a matter of fairness.
“The DoD has been doing everything it can to prevent torture from being used against detainees at GTMO. By allowing the detainees to use the Department of Veterans Affairs, we hope to completely crush their souls with bureaucracy, which to be noted, is completely different from torture. I mean hell, the VA does that to our veterans on a daily basis.”
When pressed as to how the detainees would be able to use the money, Manheim stated, “Mostly through online courses. Probably Phoenix College. Don’t worry, it’s not like they’ll be able to get a REAL degree.”
Eric K. Shinseki, head of the Department of Veteran Affairs, informed Duffel Blog of the details of how the VA would handle the new claims. “Because most ‘guests’ at Guantanamo Bay have been there nearly a decade and there is no end in sight for their ‘visit’, the Department of Veterans Affairs is ready to have their claims processed in 12-15 years as per standard operating procedure.”
Secretary Shinseki also hinted at plans to award the tan beret of the Army Rangers to all GTMO Detainees. When asked the purpose of this, Shinseki commented that “if they’re going to represent the Army in the classroom, I want them to look sharp while doing it.”
Representatives of the 75th Ranger Regiment released a response to Shinseki’s comments: “Seriously, FUCK that guy.”
Most prisoners have praised the DOD for its humanitarian efforts.
“Praise Allah,” said prisoner TK421, who plans on possibly pursuing a degree in Homeland Security from American Military University. He wrote a statement in Arabic to indicate his excitement.
“سوف أحضربرنامج الهندسة الكيميائية في ولاية إيلينوي وثم العودة إلى اليمن بلدي الأصلي لعمل الدراسات العليا. في المستقبل وإنني أتطلع إلى زيارة أمريكا للمرة الأخيرة إن شاء الله.”
Although emotions surrounding this news have been mostly positive from the prisoners, the news has its naysayers. “This is bullshit!” cried prisoner SA15-2-12. “I filled out all of the forms like they said and mailed them to my regional office in Spokane, Washington. I was enrolled in school and they said it was fine if I didn’t pay up front. Now I’ve just been dropped from all my classes because my claim hasn’t been processed yet and the school hasn’t been paid! I’d rather be force-fed pork and be sprayed with a fire hose than wait for the VA to process my claim!”
The program will also be prorated just like the Post 9/11 GI Bill, but based on an detainees’ time behind bars instead of active duty time for service members.
Sergeant Bryant Adams took a break from force feeding SA15-2-12 pork while simultaneously spraying him with a fire hose to speak to the Duffel Blog. A National Guard Military Policeman from Mississippi and guard at GTMO, Adams expressed concerns about the fairness of the program.
“It’s pretty fucked up if you ask me. This is my third goddamn deployment, one to shitty fucking Iraq and one to even shittier Afghanistan, and now I’m here guarding these stench covered nerf-herders and I’m only entitled to 80% of tuition and the monthly stipend because I only have two years on active duty orders! IQ19-8 in cell 523 has been rotting in here for nine years so he gets 100%? This is horseshit!”