Vice Presidential Candidates Talk Tough On Afghan War, Military
DANVILLE, KENTUCKY – In a ninety minute debate last night, Vice Presidential candidates Joe Biden and Paul Ryan engaged in a verbal war in their effort to win votes on November 6. Unlike the previous week’s Presidential debate, a large focus was on foreign policy, the war in Afghanistan, and military members.
After an initial question and answer on domestic issues, the moderator turned the attention to military service — asking specifically about the war in Afghanistan.
“We are leaving in 2014, no doubt about that,” said Vice President Joe Biden on the drawdown of troops. “I’ve been to Afghanistan over 20 times. I know what it’s like. I’ve been into the Korengal Valley, mostly in a helicopter, sometimes in a vehicle.”
Paul Ryan responded, challenging Biden and the President on the use of a timetable for the withdrawal of troops.
“We should not give our enemies a timeframe so they can just wait us out,” Ryan said.
“Listen, this is malarkey. Let me tell you something, sonny,” said Biden, throwing his arms up in disgust. “Quick story. So there I was, balls deep in a hooker’s… wait. Wrong story.”
He continued: “So there I was, no shit, flying over Afghanistan.” An audible gasp erupted in the room at Biden’s use of profanity.
“Hey cut that shit out, listen up,” Biden continued with a grin. “So we started taking fire and we had to do an emergency landing in a field. The soldiers secured the perimeter and we got into a firefight. Across the way, we see some Afghan army troops on an adjacent road — it looks like they were digging a foxhole over there or something — they came over to help and the Taliban left.”
“That incident showed me, and I can say to you now — the Afghan forces are leading and they can take over their own security.”
After Biden’s vivid recollection of his daring under fire, Ryan also tried to boast of his experience in the region.
“I’ve also been to Afghanistan and spoken with our troops. I remember talking with Specialist Frank Alvarado of the 82nd Airborne. I asked him, ‘What do you think we should be doing in Afghanistan?’”
“The soldier was hesitant at first. His First Sergeant looked over at him, did a slicing motion across his neck as if to say ‘Cut it out with the scared routine, go ahead and say what you want to say’. Then he looked at me and said, ‘Mr. Ryan, we need to stay here indefinitely, help the Afghan people, and ensure this country never again becomes a safe haven for terrorists.’”
After this exchange, the discussion moved to debt and deficits. Biden was quick to point out that the U.S. ending the Afghan war would “basically save us like a million gazillion dollars.”
“Gazillion isn’t even a real number,” responded Ryan, who heads the House Budget Committee.
Both candidates then argued for a full two minutes using only “Uh huh” and “Nuh huh” before moving on to other topics.