Area Man Has Money To Buy Shitty DVD, Not Enough To Help Nation’s Veterans Ron November 11, 2012 News 12 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: TAMPA, FL – Area resident Dan Snyder reported today that he has no money to donate to veterans charities, despite the fact that he owns Adam Sandler’s Jack and Jill on BluRay. “Money’s a little tight right now,” Snyder said, “but I think the important thing is that I’m keeping veterans in my thoughts.” Contrary to his claims that he has no money, last week Snyder spent actual money at Best Buy to purchase a copy of Jack and Jill, which critics have panned as a complete piece of shit. It turns out Snyder isn’t alone. Current estimates have revealed that Americans spent about $11 million on DVD sales of Jack and Jill, which holds a dismal 3% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. This fact is “quite depressing”, according to reviewers, many of which have said they’d rather hit themselves repeatedly in the head with a tack-hammer rather than have to watch it again. “I loved Adam Sandler in The Waterboy,” Snyder said, “so I thought this would be funny.” “It wasn’t,” Snyder added. In the past six months, Snyder has also spent his hard-earned cash on a set of Perfect Pushup handles, which have gone unused; a Nerf Dart Tag game, even though he has no children and no one to play with; and several expensive drinks on a woman at a bar who thanked him and gave him a fake cell phone number. “I kept telling him I wasn’t interested and just wanted to have a good time with my friends, but he just kept sending drinks my way,” the moderately attractive woman said. Snyder has claimed that his lack of donating is due solely to “this damn economy” and not due to a lack of real concern about veterans. In fact, he made it a point to mention that he is the first to stand up for the national anthem at baseball games and that he gives dirty looks to people who don’t put their hands over their heart. Snyder reportedly regrets not having money to donate to any number of worthy charities, including: Marine Infantry Veterans Foundation Homes for Our Troops Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund Fortunately for Snyder, the economic downturn he has complained about has not affected him too severely. In 2003, he graduated from the University of South Florida with a BS in Accounting. He now works for the prestigious auditing firm Ernst and Young, so he enjoys a competitive salary, comprehensive health benefits, and free coffee and bagels in the break room every Friday morning. “Look,” Snyder said, “I realize that I’m not giving money to veterans who have put their lives on the line for their country, because they believe in things like duty, and honor, and sacrifice for the greater good, and some of whom now need help from the people they served. But it’s not like I don’t support the troops.” “After all, I have a yellow ribbon on the back of my Dodge Challenger.” Snyder also expressed his “sincere gratitude to the nation’s veterans” and told Duffel Blog that he would continue to pray for someone else to help them. Timothy Dunkin says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM LOL Josh Noble says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM Sheesh, if you’re going to give us insincere, condescending platitudes about support, at least send a trifling amount of money to a veterans organization. Say $10? I’m sure your conscience will be clear after that. Barbara Lawrence says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM “Snyder is quick to add that he once ‘thought about joining the military’ upon seeing a recruiter’s office in a strip mall, but opted to go to the Chinese buffet next door instead. Though he prays for the troops, he admits to being “kind of an agnostic, I guess”, and isn’t sure if God hears his prayers, especially the one for a Christmas bonus. Ervikar Von Glocken says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM So… that was depressing. Joe Blocher says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM At least he didn’t waste it on Uwe Boll movies… Travis Miller says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM Happy Veteran’s Day! Thanks for all the yellow ribbon magnets! Jason D Sousley says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM I admit it, I watched Jack and Jill one day on Showtime, while no one was home. With the shades drawn and I still feel dirty about watching that shit… these things I say says: November 12, 2012 at 8:46 PM Someone had to buy that copy of Jack and Jill. And Area Man, thinking not of his own entertainment, boldy and brazenly took that DVD right to check out. Mark19 says: November 13, 2012 at 8:44 AM @these things I say Mark19 says: November 13, 2012 at 8:45 AM @these things I say “with valor” these things I say says: November 13, 2012 at 7:47 PM @Mark19 Yes! I knew I was forgetting something. Btw, I believe this photo is of Area Man’s courageous viewing of Jack and Jill. PatKnights says: November 11, 2012 at 11:41 PM Was it just me or was “That’s My Boy” a desperate attempt for Adam Sandler to be funny and relevant again?