U.S. Air Force Turns 65; Looks Forward to Retirement in Spring Dirty November 24, 2012 Air Force 20 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: THE PENTAGON - In a surprise announcement earlier today, General Mark Welsh III, Air Force Chief of Staff, revealed that the Air Force is planning to retire sometime in the Spring, having last month celebrated her 65th birthday. Also present for the announcement was Air Force Secretary Michael B. Donley, who praised the service record of the Air Force, and revealed how the Department of Defense planned to continue overseas operations without USAF support. Speaking to a crowd of spectators and journalists on the front steps of the Pentagon, General Welsh spoke at length about the legacy of duty and commitment to hard work the Air Force will be leaving behind, as well as plans for the future. “The Air Force is known even within the branches of the US military for setting the standards. Ask any Marine, and he’ll tell you that Air Force Physical Training stands apart from the pack. Ask any Army soldier, and he’ll tell you that no one is asked to live in environments comparable to the Air Force’s. Ask any Navy sailor, and he’ll tell you that no one redeploys as quickly as the Air Force.” “But the Air Force is getting older now,” Welsh continued, “and can’t keep up the operational tempo of her younger days.” Visibly shaken, Welsh steadied himself on the podium before going on. “It’s not that the best days are behind the Air Force. They lie ahead; days when old Blue can wake as it pleases to face the day. Days when the Air Force can relax, and not worry about personal safety inside the walls of hellish combat zones like Jalalabad or Bagram. Days when she doesn’t have to say goodbye for four, sometimes even six months at a time.” Asked what lies in store for the aging branch, Welsh beamed with enthusiasm. He described new budgetary appropriations to “accommodate a more senior lifestyle,” including several new construction and beautification projects on USAF bases around the nation. “First of all, physical training will be scaled back, and will begin incorporating Tai Chi and seniors’ Zumba lessons in conjunction with local gyms twice a week. Groundbreaking has already begun on new on-post golf courses, so the Wild Blue Yonder can extend to the links. And of course, new walking trails, duck ponds, and park benches will be installed near all dining facilities, so the Air Force can enjoy a leisurely mid-afternoon stroll before heading in for the Early Bird dinner.” The Honorable Michael B. Donley, Secretary of the Air Force, reassured Americans that defense officials have the new vacancy “well in hand,” and that soldiers, sailors, and Marines stationed overseas would barely notice the Air Force’s absence. “The Air Force, though an integral part of our armed forces, has been showing its age lately: misplacing the keys to jet fighters, retelling the same tired stories, even mixing up a shipment of helicopter batteries with intercontinental ballistic missiles to Taiwan.” He also reported that on more than one occasion, the Air Force was “caught napping when it was supposed to be monitoring the radio for CAS [close air support] missions.” “The truth is, we’ve known this was coming for some time. That’s why we in the Department of Defense, along with our President, and Congress, have been working so hard to rely more on drone strikes and UAV [Unmanned Aerial Vehicle] surveillance in our operations. As the Air Force stands down, we’ll be shifting her responsibilities onto a greater number of drones to fill in the gaps. American air superiority will remain unquestioned, and we’ll really be saving the taxpayers money. It’s hard to see the Air Force go, but this is really a win-win for America.” One reporter asked Donley how much money the DoD would be saving with the switch. “What we’re hoping–that is, the Joint Chiefs and I,–we’d like to see big enough savings to offset budget cuts currently affecting all branches of the military. As you know, we had to make some drastic cuts last fiscal year, which was a factor when we banned chairs at MacDill [Air Force Base]. Honestly, it’s either this, or the Navy will have to shrink down to only four uniforms. And don’t get me started on the proposal that the Marine Corps start cutting back on haircuts—no pun intended.” At press time, the Air Force was reportedly looking at brochures for senior living facilities before getting in a round of golf at Hilton Head’s famous back nine. Chris Watson says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM Lee, it seems you got out at the right time! Hank Pannell says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM Almost Believeable and Somewhat funny! The present day circumstances have convinced me to NEVER SAY NEVER! Barbara Lawrence says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM The Air Force was last seen deploying on a bus trip to Branson, MO, to enjoy has-been country stars and shitty buffet food. Christopher Horton says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM Brilliantly written. David Reeves says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM Where’s all the righteous indignation? Dan Apker says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM Yep Eva Stoner says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM Haaaa! TM Gibbons-Neff says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM Fantastic journalism. Christopher Carranza says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM Looks like we all retiring… buahahha Randy Bartlett says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM “Days when the Air Force can relax,….” So in other words, no one will notice. In other news, the AF has been full of drones for as long as I can remember. Temeka Rochelle Heard says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM Hahaha Dave Price says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM Air Force retirement sounds very nice & relaxing… James Shelley says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM Third paragraph is gold. Jeremiah Johnson says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM Golden Years ahead for the AF…haha! Christopher-Trina Whitehead says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM Does cutting back on hair cuts mean frequency or moving to mandatory barracks cuts with e-tools? Mike Carnevale says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM Funny stuff! What is even funnier than this story is the idiots who think it’s real news. Mike Carnevale says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM Legal We are in no way, shape, or form, a real news outlet. Just about everything on this website is satirical in nature. The content of this site is parody. No composition should be regarded as truthful, and no reference of an individual, company, or military unit seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. Richard Dickson says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM It’s about time. The AF is not allowed in the Constitution, and should have never been sperate from the Army. The AF should reimburse us the $6 trillion they received under false pretenses in the last 65 years. Good riddance to the junior flyboys and flygirls. Austin Langley says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM The Air Force does nothing that can’t be done more effectively by the other services. My dad was in the Marine Corps and he told me they never want air cover by the Air Force. The Navel aviators fly better support missions and would help save money. Robert J. King says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM I thought this was too funny not to share!