By the time the Colorado State Patrol arrived on scene, the Marine had already moved vehicles 300 meters away from what was reported to be a dead deer, and had positioned himself on a nearby overpass.
“He didn’t appear to be crazy,” reported Colorado State Patrol Sheriff Ralph Sparkowitz. “In fact, a few of my men were a little confused and actually started to follow his instructions to post security at his six- and nine-o’-clock.”
Susie Johnson, a bank manager on her way to work at First National Bank, felt the former Marine had the situation completely under control.
“I never really thought about it before, but animal carcassas really would make a great place for hiding a bomb,” admitted Johnson. “And those insurgents will stop at nothing to take our freedom!”
Other drivers left the scene slightly confused.
“He kept yelling at us to do our ‘fives and twenty-fives,’” explained construction worker Donald Opatrny.
“He yelled at everyone on the bus when they started using their cell phones to let their jobs know they’d be late,” said GO Boulder bus driver Randall Keane.
The Marine Corps has yet to release a statement regarding the incident. However, the local Veteran Affairs (VA) office where the Marine was heading released a statement late Tuesday afternoon stating, “The VA believes our veterans possess valuable skills that are applicable to today’s workforce. We look forward to working with the Colorado Division of Wildlife to find this veteran, and many other qualifying veterans, meaningful jobs clearing Colorado’s roads of wildlife that have been struck by vehicles. This is just one of many ways the VA helps our nation’s veterans become productive members of society.”
Martin Rainey, another veteran who was arrested last month for causing a three-hour delay on Colorado’s I-25 after refusing to drive past a cardboard box, now works for Colorado’s Department of Transportation, where he supervises inmates cleaning the interstate.
“I’d do anything to get back in the Army,” Rainey admits. “Civilians are just oblivious to the dangers around them. They’re like a bunch of sheep, ignoring the wolf … or whatever that saying is.”
In unrelated news, three people nearly drowned when their SUV rolled into a roadside stream late this afternoon.