Decorated War Hero, Airborne Ranger Emasculated By Wife At Local Mall armydave December 7, 2012 Army 56 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: KILLEEN, TX – Sources confirmed that earlier this afternoon while sitting outside of a dressing room in a mall boutique, decorated soldier Samuel Williams was publicly dressed down by his twenty-four year old wife. Williams, a Staff Sergeant who once killed a man with his bare hands, is an Airborne Ranger that has spent five of the past seven years in Iraq or Afghanistan. His wife, Jennifer Williams, works at the post commissary and is planning to go back to school to be a radiation therapy tech “or something like that.” According to reports, after taking his wife out to “a nice lunch to spend some time together before his next deployment,” the couple went to the mall to pick up a few things for the baby they recently learned was on the way. Shortly after arrival, Mrs. Williams spotted a cute little black dress in a window storefront and tugged at her husband’s arm with a wide grin in an effort to pull him into the store. After hesitating, Williams relented and followed his wife inside, where he then passed the time on a little bench by reading the latest edition of Cosmopolitan and silently recounting the many horrors which he had personally lived through. “Hey, babe? Can you go out there and get me this in a size three?,” Jenny Williams said as she tossed a dress over the dressing room door. “Hey?! You there? Jesus, Sammy. Go get me a size three already!” she added from within the dressing area with a stomped foot. Williams, the top graduate of his class in Ranger school, dutifully stood up and meandered over to the dressing room. He took the discarded dress. Head down and lip out, he shuffled aimlessly throughout the store in search of a cute little striped number in a size three – all the while carrying his wife’s purse. Before reaching the dress rack, a dull thud could be heard as his testicles fell out of the purse he was carrying. With a defeated sigh, he leaned over, picked them up, blew off the dust, and stuffed them back into the handbag. Williams confusedly stared at the dress rack for a long moment in an effort to avoid the judgmental eyes of the shop’s other patrons. Ultimately, he returned with a size five, knocked on the dressing room door, and placed the dress in the dainty hand which appeared. After a moment of silence, a howl emanated from the dressing room occupied by Mrs. Williams. The door swung open, and the petite woman stomped over to her husband — a man who once dropped three Iraqi insurgents at approximately 1,100 yards — sat dumbly and stared at her. “I asked you for a size three! You think I’m so fat I need a five?” she demanded with her hands on her hips. “Either you think I’m fat or you’re just stupid!” she added. Silver Star recipient and “hardcore, airborne motherfucker,” Williams opened his mouth to say something, but only one sound emerged. “Urmmmm,” he said. This response infuriated Mrs. Williams. Her eyes went wide, and she threw the dress at the Ranger before screaming into his face. “You aren’t even paying attention to me! This is supposed to be our special day! I’m not fat! You don’t know what I have to do all day, sitting at home cooking all the meals and taking care of our children. I swear, all you are good for is waking me up at three in the damn morning by screaming and hollering in your sleep! You’re useless.” Mrs. Williams then stormed out of the dressing area, through the boutique, and into the mall. Williams sighed gently to himself and stared at the floor. After a moment, he pushed himself up, which was made difficult by the ragged shrapnel embedded in his right kneecap. He quickly jogged after his wife. During a hushed conversation in the mall’s food court, Williams apologized to his wife as she ate a slice of pizza from a paper plate. “This pizza is so disgusting,” complained his wife. Upon hearing this, Williams’ mind wandered to the time he had to eat his dead battle buddy after being stranded behind enemy lines in Kosovo back in ’99. After their snack, Williams hugged his wife, promised to pay more attention to her, and the couple returned to the boutique where they purchased the size three. Terrence S M Popp says: July 26, 2014 at 4:28 AM you had up to dead battle buddy. I have seen this before many times across 28 years. I make fun of it on http://www.redonkulas.com Bill Bonzer says: February 15, 2014 at 8:12 PM You can tell it is satire….size 3 or size 5 ya right……. Carol Bensing says: February 15, 2014 at 8:12 PM Give me a break. Now everyone’s a victim. If this story is even true this guy puts up with this because he wants to. Tom Gee says: February 15, 2014 at 8:12 PM Bestest article evah Bryan Salas says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM I’m having PTSD flashbacks – from the last visit to the mall with my wife. Elmer Towzi Mize says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM That did not happen! Elmer Towzi Mize says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM that did not happen! Larry Lambert says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM Been there, felt the pain. Angela Cheryl Mathisen says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM I sincerely hope this is a joke. Josh Noble says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM The power of femininity can destroy the hardest of men. David Walimaki says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM DAMMIT! I got coffee all over my screen and keyboard now. Martin Andrew says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM Size 3, 24 years old and he served in Kosovo? Damn, did he go back to the Ozarks and pick a girl from junior high? (Satire think about what I am saying). Jim Kwarta says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM this is horrible. is it suppose to be a joke? well, it is not funny. the entire article is junk. why did you even post it? Gary Teel says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM He should have beat that bitch the moment she started yelling at him Mike Clark says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM Didn’t even know there were size 3’s & 5’s….thought sizes started at 10? Olivia Hedd says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM I hate Army Wives. I cant stand them. A lot of the wives are inconsiderate of their husbands deployment and complain and whine about nonsensical issues…meanwhile the hubby returns to the front lines in a week. Rude. Erica Nugent says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM I’m pretty sure this was written very tongue in cheek. Lighten up people, its just an allegory of how this toughened soldier is, as a husband, very much in the palm of his wife. It’s hyperbole. Jeez. Enjoy it for the joke, not as reality. Avery Dalton says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM The only thing wrong with this article was the dress size, should be an 18 in Dependopotamus Plus sizes. Jeremy Simon says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM I like it when we are shopping at the commissary and some wife complains about how picked over the place is. There I am standing in the produce section up to my eye balls in fresh corn and green beans only to notice they were talking about all the frozen and junk foods. David Glenn Allen says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM If it weren’t for him, she wouldn’t even be able to shop in peace (among other things) in the first place. “You speak as one of the foolish women speaks…”Job, the Bible. Kerri West says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM I don’t know what’s worse about this blog: the blatant and disgusting sexism, the blind military worship, or infantilization of women in general. It really makes me sick that people with such a bigoted way of seeing the opposite sex exist. Don Garofano says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM As bad as it was with the little women, I’m sure it was far better that being back in-country! Patrick Cahill says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM Come on guys you can picture the scene…. Anonymous says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM A Bull_ _ _ T Story! 11-B 2/75th Newt Brock says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM Spoiled Shishar N. Qadir says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM rediculous story.. Harold Schyberg says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM RUN FOREST RUN as fast as you can. If that were me I woul run and not stop running until I was in the next county and file for a divorce. Jo Cason says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM Holy crap that’s funny. Robert Mabry says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM Hilarious… Frank Denny says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM What an ungrateful BITCH! Chuck Risio says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM Oh yeah, good times. Good times. John Cain says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM Hey he married my ex wife! Watch out for the Scabies, Crabs, & other nasties! Glad the Jodie baits gone. Timothy Jay Queen says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM “Before reaching the dress rack, a dull thud could be heard as his testicles fell out of the purse he was carrying.” Pure gold. John Tuepker says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM First mistake was going shopping. No one needs to shop. If anyone needs clothes I have several Obama/Biden T shirts I can send their way. Michelle Dawn Lotz-Lynch says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM But otherwise this “story” is right on target….lol Lou Windsor says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM Who hasn’t met that chick? Geez…satire and truth are not mutually exclusive. Well done. Dudley Toelke says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM A size five? Really? You think the pinhead would have picked up something in Ranger School! Katie Lowe says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM Just when I thought I could stop laughing long enough to catch my breath, I’d do something stupid and keep reading! This is by far the best “article” I have ever read on TDB! Thanks for making me do a load of laundry in the middle of the night after peeing my pants (a size 5, which at 5’3″ and 125# is very fat!!) reading this article! Of course as a woman, I should have done the laundry the first time the husband asked. Haha!! Bob Hayner says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM She needs a swift kick in the ass! Tony Ray says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM Leader of men, tactically sound, able to operate complicated tactical communications equipment, manage millions of dollars worth of property…nah I am just some jerk who cant put the toilet seat down nor operate the oven Jason D Sousley says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM Now we all know why old men just wait in the car… John Parrott says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM Pure fiction. Danielle Wright says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM Or, you know, dudes could stop whining so goddamn much about going shopping and just find a three. Numbers aren’t that hard, guys. Just find the three, and all of this would be avoided. If we have to listen to your story nineteen times about the “super funny thing that happened on deployment, even though it’s only really funny if you were there,” you can find the right dress. Just saying. Woodsterman Odie says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM I’ve been the guy outside the dressing room. I’ve also been the guy that went back to the rack. When I went to the rack I would try to find something else that looked really sexy my bride could try on. It is an understanding partnership… BUT if my wife acted like the one in the story, it would of only happened once. Anonymous says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM Pussy beats gun every time. Hands down. Claudia LeDuff says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM I can’t even read this or these selfish comments you bitches are fucking making. That man puts his life on the line for that woman and those children and you all the time he deserves more fuckng respect than that. He is the reason she has a fucking kitchen to cook meals for those children. And when your man is nice enough to spend time with you doing what you want to do (shopping) and take you to eat, be fucking thankful and appreciative of the gesture. Don’t be a cunt and bitch because he brings you the wrong fucking size or bc the food isnf you’re fucking favorite. His life could be taken on his next deployment. Would you want to be reminded of treating him like that. Fuck no. Appreciate the little things. Life is too short. Collin Smith says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM I don’t know what’s better – the stories on TDB, or the endless parade of commenters who believe everything they read on the internet. Erich Maria de Villiers says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM Yeah right, an enlisted man with a wife who wears a Size Three. Doc Bailey says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM Have you SEEN Army Wives? I’d rather go running up and down Rte Irish buck freaking naked with a trail of burning Korans behind me than get in the way of an Army Wife in Rampage mode. They make the HULK turn into a little bitch! Michelle Dawn Lotz-Lynch says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM Size 3 or even a size 5 is way too generous might want to go with a size 18 and 20. Jo Jo Bubba Junior says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM Most of the wives of enlisted guys I know here at Fort Bragg who can fit into a size three fit no problem because they work out on a regular basis. The new rage is that pole dancing workout. They usually do this for 15 minutes or three songs at a time before taking a break for an hour or so. During their breaks they keep their heart rate up doing what they call “lap dances” which I hear burn quite a few calories and they even get paid about 20 dollars per song, or dance…imagine that. Getting paid to lap dance and pole dance. They do this at one one of several health clubs or spas that for some reason are called Gentleman’s Clubs. Their husbands are the guys who always have a new Harley in the garage when they get home from down range along with a new pick up truck and their wives also send them away on hunting and fishing vacations for weeks on end with their buddies when they get so they can relax, unwind and “bond.” Their wives keep them happy by sending a continuous supply of “mouthwash” and other health drinks on a weekly basis while down range. At any rate their wives sure do look good when I see them at the unit get togethers especially the Group Balls. I hear they also go to private parties without their husbands for even more exercise. Funny but they tend to know most of the field grade officers around HQ on main post on a first name basis. I often wonder about that… Peter Kirk says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM he then drove home where he quietly snapped her neck, put her new dress on and watched Army Wives for the rest of the evening! Sarah Walker says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM Every time some idiot thinks a Duffleblog story is real, the CIA waterboards a kitten. Roger Molett says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM You know what gives away the fact this story is fake? The idea that an army wife could fit into a size three dress. Size thirteen maybe. The only thing that might make it true is if he met her on leave in the PI or something. Michael 'Fish' Kaye says: January 3, 2014 at 1:53 AM my wife keeps my testicles in a mayonnaise jar in the back of the refrigerator.