Mortar Section Keeps Getting Interrupted By ‘Goddamn Fire Missions’ Paul December 26, 2012 Marine Corps 18 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: MARJAH, AFGHANISTAN – Multiple sources with the 1st Section of 3rd Battalion, 3rd Marines 81mm Mortar Platoon are confirming today that they are never able to finish their card games or complete other important duties, because they keep getting interrupted by annoying calls for fire support. “The Marine Corps sends us here to do a job and as 0341′s [Military Occupational Specialty], we perform that job flawlessly,” said LCpl Ryan Eagles of Springfield, IL. “But all my spades training at 29 Palms, Hawaii, Bridgeport, and basically everywhere is going to waste when we have to do these goddamn fire missions.” Infantry Mortarmen typically serve in 81mm Spades platoons in Weapons Company or alongside 0311 rifleman in smaller 60mm sections. They receive years of training in card tricks and gameplay, proper dodging of higher-ups, and how to drink far beyond human capacity. “At SOI [School of Infantry], our instructors really taught us the fundamentals — spades always trumps, you need to get to 500 points, that sort of thing,” said PFC Hugo Rodriguez. “Then when we got to the fleet, the training got even more intense — we had nightly binge drinking events and PT runs away from the OOD, and belligerence basics.” “This is my first deployment, I know, but it seems like all that training is going to waste out here, having us drop mortar rounds as collateral duty,” he added. In their short time here, the section has received numerous calls for fire from riflemen in their area of responsibility, like one request last week for immediate suppression from a platoon in a savage firefight roughly 3 kilometers from their position. “Archer, archer, this is Blackbeard, immediate suppression, grid 32783732, over,” said radio transmission operator LCpl David Alarik of Lima Company, who was pinned down by approximately 40 enemy fighters. 1st Section Fire Direction Chief Sergeant Brandon Davis shrugged after receiving the radio call. “These guys are so goddamn needy.” “Roger, Blackbeard,” Davis responded, keying his handset. “Be advised, you came in broken and unreadable, say again, over.” “That usually delays them for a bit, then of course next I’ll tell them that they are danger close,” Davis told Duffel Blog reporters. “Then if they figure out they are good with range, I’ll tell them Battalion Fires isn’t allowing me to drop the rounds.” “But sometimes, we’re forced to actually do this bullshit. I wish I could just serve my country like my recruiter told me I would, playing cards on training missions and having sex with Thai prostitutes,” he added. Michael Pressley says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM I was an 81′s F.O. radio operator. We could never get FDC on the radio… Gino Mjölnir says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM haha you marine knuckleheads I bet that story depicts an actuality out there even though it’s made up….typical bullet stoppers lol. Dudley Toelke says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM What a bunch of whiny pussflaps! In my day it was No. 1, search and swab the bore. No. 5, advance the charge. No. 2, load…now it’s just hang it, fire; hang it, fire. Sheees! Richard Mitobe says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM I understand that this is satire, but you probally should have used a bn that was actually in afghan in December…. My best friend is in 81′s in 1/3 and he was chillin like a villian at home haha Joe Slattery says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM This is got to be the best story yet. 3/3 81′s! Mike Harris Sr. says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM Spades is for POGS. Gin rummy is the name of the game for fleet Marines. Sneeze Guards! says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM If those aren’t fake names, these guys are going to get court marshalled. And they should! Nicholas Xavier Addington says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM Sounds pretty sarcastic. I am sure these marines didnt chose to not fire. That’s all we wanted to do. Sim Taylor says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM It’s a big problem in tube artillery too……….I know, I’m was an 0811……….never saw a spade game finsihed……… Miguel Ramos says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM Awesome stuff Perry McDowell says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM Similarly, the CVN was such a better place without the airwing aboard: Indoor and outdoor running tracks, plenty of room to catch rays, tons of PT machines without lines, plenty of seats on the mess decks, no one using all the water, not having to worrying about setting CAT on the reactors, didn’t matter if the JBD’s or elevators worked, smoking sponson always had room. Once the flyboys came aboard, all that went away. Mark DePew says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM ….all these fire missions. Marcus Moran says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM The people who think these articles are true need to be removed from the gene pool as quickly as possible. Seriously, you are all wasting oxygen. On another note, this is so freaking spot on. 1/1 81s! Motivation check, 81s! Peter Kirk says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM oh Lordie! the troll’s are out in droves today on the comments section! Jason D Sousley says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM If you would stop allowing Lance Corporals okay fire missions then you wouldn’t have these problems, be like the Army and force that shit up to a presidential approval… David Dwayne Morris says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM This isn’t satire! Duffelblog are a bunch of phonies. They’re like the opposite of Fox News, pretending not to report the truth, yet the truth is all they actually report. Warren Butch says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM YOU GOT TO BE JOKING.WAKE UP BE THE PROFESSIONALS YOU ARE SUPOSSED TO BE.OR GET KILLED.OR YOUR BROTHERS OF THE SAME COLOR WILL BE.