FAYETTEVILLE, NC – Packs of feral gay soldiers have been spotted roaming base housing at Fort Bragg, preying on people who are not “totally fabulous,” according to witness statements.
Initial reports indicate that the gays hunt at night in packs of ten to twelve. They catch unwary heterosexuals and forcibly sodomize them until they become gay, because that’s how sexuality works. Over a dozen families have reported that their children chose to become gay after being attacked in this manner.
“I’ve tripled the amount of patrols,” said Colonel David Jesse, head of base security. “The amount of gays is growing at an exponential rate. I think they have rabies or something. I mean, there’s always a bunch of white stuff dripping from their mouths.”
“I got my first call about them right after Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was repealed,” said Sergeant John Cripes, a military policeman. “There were gays in the military beforehand, but after DADT was gone, they just went rabid. There’s really no way to stop them. In ten years or so, this entire base will be overrun by gays.”
The threat has become so great that MP's have created a list of ways to spot a military homosexual. The list includes managing to make a military haircut fashionable, uniforms that fit, and an absence of Tapout shirts or black pants covered in chains.
Duffel Blog managed to track down an alpha of one of the gay packs, who wished to only be referred to as “Power Bottom.” As he spoke, he directed the plan of attack for the night’s patrol.
“Oh silly,” he said when asked how he was so good at mapping out patrol plans. “It’s why we joined the military. We’re learning all we can so we can take over the military and then take all the God fearing Americans’ guns away."
Captain John Wake, who serves as a chaplain, preached about the wild gays at the base chapel earlier this week.
“Homosexuals are a growing threat that’s becoming harder to face every day,” he said, his voice bellowing from the pulpit. “This problem is too visible to cover up and it won’t go away until we find a way to get it off our base. If we don’t deal with it it’ll explode and we’ll be covered with the consequences.”
In related news, leaked documents from the Pentagon state that seven submarines have gone AWOL and have not been in contact with their squadrons for weeks.
Navy Captain Dave Wells speculated in a memo that “One hundred and fifty men went down, but seventy five couples took over.”