WASHINGTON, D.C. – Officials at the Pentagon are shocked that a public service announcement (PSA) warning against using spice and other designer drugs played on the Armed Forces Network has apparently lowered drug use among service members.
“We expected our PSA to have no effect at all,” said Colonel David Rikers. “First, nobody watches AFN. If they do they don’t watch the commercials. Second, we thought our ad was so stupid it would increase drug use. We are overjoyed to find out this is not the case.”
The thirty second spot shows clips from Hamlet dubbed over with new, stupid lines. Hamlet discusses “To spice or not to spice,” while his friend Horatio warns him “Prithee, forsooth, if thou beist under the influence of drugs, thou mayest happen to sign over power of attorney to an untrustworthy party.”
“Yeah I was doing all sorts of drugs,” said an airman who wished not to be identified, “But I stopped when I saw how a single joint drove Hamlet to madness. I just don’t want that to happen to me.”
The ad has gone viral, receiving over 500,000 hits on YouTube and 12,000 Facebook shares. “This is all in 48 hours,” Col. Rikers said. “And there are only three ‘lol sux fagg’ comments so far.”
“This ad is incredible,” said Beth, a Naval Criminal Investigative Service (NCIS) detective. “In all the years that I’ve been doing undercover operations, I was only able to catch idiots. If this ad manages to stop one person who doesn’t tell everyone they do drugs from smoking spice, it will have done the work of a thousand operatives.”
“Really?” remarked John Wallace, who directed the ad. “Fuck. I thought I was going to win ‘AFN’s Worst Ad of the Year’ with that one. Of course there’s a contest. Trust me, you have to try to make ads this bad. Sorry, I can’t talk anymore. I’m busy directing a new one where a guy lights his trashcan on fire and jumps out a second story window. Have to run.”