CAMP LEJEUNE, NC – Marine Corps officials are celebrating the efforts of the Company First Sergeant for G Co. 2nd Bn 6th Marines today, after his 72-hour long weekend liberty brief broke a streak of off-duty incidents that has plagued the unit.
This past weekend is the first incident-free weekend for the company in over six months.
“It’s been really damn rough here, I’ll tell you that,” said 1st Sgt. Daniel Bowling. “These devil dogs just won’t listen to me. The first sergeant is out here giving a libo brief and these idiots just go out and do the opposite. I knew I had to take a different track.”
The first sergeant decided to modify the existing policy for securing Marines for their weekends off, which includes talks by the commanding officer, the first sergeant, platoon sergeants, squad leaders, fireteam leaders, the family readiness officer, battalion chaplain, a representative from supply, and the Duty NCO’s for the weekend.
“I really thought the SOP with everyone talking about libo pitfalls was ok, but the messages were getting mixed,” said Bowling.
At approximately 4:30 p.m. last Friday, his Marines formed up outside the company headquarters.
“He started out with the standard fluff we always hear,” said Cpl. Paul Sweizer. “You know, those zingers like ‘Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, and if you do, I ain’t bailing your ass out. And for the love of God, don’t name it after me.'”
Sources within the company reported that the first few hours of the first sergeant’s brief were a laundry list of items his Marines should not be doing over the weekend. Items included having sex without a condom, drinking and driving, going to Mexico, having sex with prostitutes, having sex with the Colonel’s daughter, and drinking and driving without a condom on.
“These Marines are better off now that they know what I expect,” said Bowling. “If I didn’t tell them if you get VD, it’s going to hurt when you piss, how are they gonna know? And when I was a young devil dog, I was told not to use power tools in the shower and it helped me so I just need to pass that knowledge on.”
A squad leader in the company’s 1st Platoon believed the efforts of the company’s top enlisted leader were crucial.
“The fact is that we were having an incident every weekend, and typically it was something that no one had ever seen before,” said Sgt. Raymond Ewing. “Last weekend the first sergeant mentioned just about everything under the sun, then some PFC bangs some tranny-hooker without a condom in a police parking lot. I mean come on!”
On Saturday morning, First Sergeant Bowling warned of the dangers of sexual relations with transvestite hookers without a condom.
“Hey gents, let’s not go banging trannies in a parking lot of a damn police station! Where you at Morales?,” said Bowling, calling for Pfc. Juan Morales, who was still pending his non-judicial punishment for the previous incident. “Oh, and speaking of cops. Let’s not punch police officers repeatedly in the face.”
Other Marines reported more graphic depictions of sex acts and the ensuing pitfalls.
“Hey, don’t be a dummy, cum on her tummy. We don’t want to add or detract from the population this weekend,” said Bowling, according to witnesses at the brief.
“He kept using these weird code words and innuendo,” said Lance Cpl. Jeff Storm. “Stuff like ‘if you’re planning on sending rounds downrange, use a blank adaptor, because you don’t want to get rodded off the range.'”
The sun began to rise on Monday morning, as 1st Sgt. Bowling was saying, “If you have to make airplane noises to put it in her mouth, then she is too young, gents.”
“Oh shit, looks like libo is secured. Alright, let’s start off on a meritorious Monday,” said Bowling. “Platoon Sergeants, carry out the plan of the day.”