KABUL, AFGHANISTAN – The United States Military and Afghanistan will be getting a divorce after eleven years of war so the U.S. can pursue a hotter, sexier war, senior government officials have told The Duffel Blog. The pending divorce is mutual.
The U.S. Military has already released a statement saying, “While we appreciate all the love and support Afghanistan has given us, particularly in justifying our defense budget, after over a decade together conflicts sometimes just get boring and stale. We’re not a one-war kind of service.”
The U.S. Military has also cited irreconcilable problems with Afghanistan’s in-law Pakistan.
Afghanistan has listed its own complaints: that the U.S. Military has a wandering eye for “any younger war that doesn’t need as much work done. We don’t know how the Israelis and Palestinians have managed to keep theirs going for sixty-five years.”
Afghanistan has also complained that the U.S. Military is frequently inattentive to their needs, forgetting their anniversary and giving it inappropriate gifts.
“Last year for our anniversary the Air Force gave us a high-altitude all-weather air superiority fighter,” a tearful Afghanistan told reporters. “Our war doesn’t even have air combat!”
According to Afghanistan, these problems were evident right from the outset of their relationship.
“Our war was always a sham,” Afghanistan complained. “Even during our honeymoon we caught the U.S. Military looking at pictures of Iraq! They swore it had something to do with 9/11, but after just two years they moved in together. After we confronted them, they kept promising to break it off and we naively believed them, but they didn’t finally end it until only a year ago.”
While Iraq is no longer a factor in their relationship and is in its own controversial relationship with Iran, both the U.S. Military and Afghanistan stressed that their divorce would not impact their other wars, Yemen and Somalia, plus adopted-war Libya. Adoption paperwork on a fourth war, Syria, was halted in mid-2012.
The latest argument was brought on when Afghanistan overheard the U.S. Military bragging about the hot new amphibious assault ship it was producing, and found several provocative pictures of Chinese air defenses in its desk. When Afghanistan confronted the U.S. Military, the U.S. claimed it was only studying Chinese air defenses because of their connection to terrorism.
Pressed to explain further, the U.S. Military stuttered, “the… uh… Chinese… Islamic… Terrorist… Guys…” and left the room as quickly as possible.
The U.S. Military saw a similar war with Vietnam fall apart in the 1960s over accusations that the U.S. hadn’t gotten over its true love, fighting Soviet tank divisions in the Fulda Gap.