USCGC Mellon in 1990, with the Harpoon Missile Launch System visible in front of the bridge.

WASHINGTON, DC - The Coast Guard's latest bid for relevance was hit with a serious blow today, as it was revealed that the landmark program to upgrade Hamilton-class High Endurance Cutters with Harpoon anti-ship missiles accidentally supplied harpoon launchers suitable only for whaling.

The program was launched in secret last year as problems with the Navy's new Littoral Combat Ship (LCS) Freedom-class vessels multiplied. It was intended to offer a ready-made, viable option for littoral operations, as well as "wipe the goddam Navy's eye," according to one senior Coast Guard officer.

Now, unfortunately, it is the Coast Guard's eye that has been wiped. Program managers learned today that the $15,000 per ship upgrades actually installed a harpoon launcher sold by the Kobayashi Whale-Spearing, Pointy-Tipped, Pneumatically-Launched Object Corporation of Tokyo.