RAF MOLESWORTH, UK - In a major assessment paper released today, the Defense Intelligence Agency has concluded that north Africa is “basically one gigantic shithole.”
The assessment cites the attack on American consulate in Benghazi, Libya, continued unrest and strife under the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt, the ongoing al-Qaida seizure of northern Mali, and the recent Algerian hostage crisis, as contributing factors to the region’s reputation as a swirling toilet bowl of human excrement. DIA based its assessment not only its own internal findings, but also on testimony from others.
For example, the agency has field reports corroborated by signals intelligence that Moktar Belmoktar actually tried refusing orders to be sent out to Mali, calling it “Allah’s Asshole” and demanding to know why the Global Caliphate couldn’t “be based out of someplace nice, like Tahiti or the French Riviera.”
“A lot of patterns have been emerging to confirm what we’ve long suspected,” declared Jayson Riser, a DIA analyst, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Algeria just seals the deal.”
When asked why anyone would ever live in north Africa, all Riser could do was stare ahead, as if stunned, only finally asking rhetorically “You mean by choice?” He went on to list arid climate, catastophic AIDS cases, government corruption, tribal freud, disease, starvation, civil war, in addition to “not being able to swing a dead cat without hitting an Islamic fanatic” as reasons for not wanting to have anything to do with the region. Mr. Riser later went on to speculate the only thing worth fighting for in such a godforsaken backwater of human waste was “some kind of petroleum product, where the winner gets to die of starvation instead of immediate execution.”
The assessment, although timely, had been a long time coming. “It’s not like we’re going to miss the mark here,” said Lt. General Michael T. Flynn, Director of DIA. “I suppose our only regret is the outlook for the region is to become an even bigger shithole, courtesy of Moktar Belmoktar,” he said, referencing the unfolding crisis in Algeria.
“Although we obviously update our regional assessments, when it comes to the Maghreb, all I have to do is pretty much open the file and squat over it.” Worst of all, Flynn says he worries over the intelligence community taking the region’s fanatics seriously, due to their grandiose names. “Belmoktar’s group is called Signatories In Blood. Now I don’t know about you, but I can’t decide whether that’s an Islamic extremist group or whether I saw them open for Slayer in 1986!”
While other agencies largely concur with DIA’s assessment, the Central Intelligence Agency has objected. CIA has offered an alternative analysis, comparing north Africa to kissing one’s sister at best, sodomizing a goat at worst. At press time however, there was no resolution as to which assessment was more accurate.
Regardless, the mutual assessment of the region and its threats seems to be “complete brown skid mark of humanity.”
“It is, for all intents and purposes, a turd sandwich of a region.” said AFRICOM commander, General David M. Rodriguez during a telephone interview with TDB. “The only ‘good’ news is we won’t be blamed because the French can’t catch a goddamned one-eyed cigarette smuggler!”