VATICAN CITY – The story of Pope Benedict’s surprise resignation took a shocking turn last night, as Vatican insiders told The Duffel Blog about an alleged affair between the leader of the Catholic Church and his biographer, Paula Broadwell. The biography, “Deep Inside the Vatican” was scheduled to be published in early April.
Broadwell is best known as the biographer, groupie, and occasional field mattress of former CIA Director and four-star Army General David Petraeus. Petraeus resigned unexpectedly in November after his affair with Broadwell became known.
According to the Vatican officials, who are highly placed and possess a Deus Ex Machina clearance, the affair between Pope Benedict and Broadwell became known ex post facto after a security complaint to the Vatican’s Internet server led to the discovery of a series of racy e-mails between the two.
At one point The Duffel Blog was shown a screenshot of what officials claimed was a private e-mail il Papa sent Broadwell, saying “Omnia Paula in tres partes divisa est. lol.” The authenticity of the screenshot could not be verified.
The two met at NATO headquarters in Brussels last March when the Pope was doing pro bono work on helping the US military justify its budget by restarting the Crusades and “attempting to understand certain areas of Afghan culture via the Vatican’s many years of expertise in the field.”
Benedict and Broadwell quickly formed a bond, and were often seen running six-minute miles around the Seven Hills of Rome and doing early morning donuts in the Popemobile around St. Peter’s Square.
Sources suggested that Broadwell and the Bishop of Rome may have played peekaboo with more than just the details of the Vicar of Christ’s early life. Sources close to Broadwell indicate that she “has a thing for older, wrinkly guys who are used to telling other people what to do. She just can’t help herself.” The Big Catholic Cheese reportedly invited Broadwell to his apartment to show her his chasuble at one point.
This morning Pope Benedict’s office sent out an official tweet (@PanzerPontifex) that “@BroadBombshell ist eine schöne Frau aber nur eine Freunde und Biograph, nicht meine Lieber.”
William Donohue, head of the conservative Catholic League, an influential right-wing organization whose mission is to “attack the people who attack the Catholic Church, especially people who complain about pedophiles,” has also issued a statement attacking “That skanky Moabite Broadwell woman and the craven and cowardly media that endlessly attacks our Holy Father WHO NEVER ‘JOINED’ THE HITLER YOUTH BY THE WAY SO STOP REPEATING IT!”
While Pope Benedict has not responded to Duffel Blog requests for an interview, he did announce that he had excommunicated the entire Duffel Blog staff “as a precaution.”
He also added that in his former capacity as head of the “Holy Office of the Inquisition,” he would be sending Cardinal Fang from the Spanish Inquisition to The Duffel Blog’s offices immediately.
Duffel Blog Reporter G-Had contributed all the blasphemy to this report.