LANGLEY, VA – Members of the U.S. intelligence community held a press conference today to report that one of their analysts not only successfully predicted the results of Sunday’s Super Bowl XLVII, but accurately made his prediction more than five years ago!
Even more amazing, the analyst has never watched a football game and knew absolutely nothing about football prior to his being assigned to the American-Rules Football Desk at the Central Intelligence Agency.
“Well, when we first hired Analyst “Jay” [not his real name] in 2007 he told us that he really wanted to work the Baseball Desk, since he’d been playing baseball ever since he was a kid and totally loved the sport,” said an anonymous highly-placed CIA official.
“Unfortunately our Baseball Desk was already full and we only had authorization to staff the Football Desk.”
According to additional mid- and high-level CIA sources, Jay tackled his first assignment with incredible enthusiasm. To close his knowledge gap, he requested permission to go to a bunch of football games, then take some time off work to join a local league to understand how the game feels from a player’s perspective, and finally make as many professional contacts as he could in the football community so he’d be aware of the sport’s most pressing issues.
An additional mid-level CIA source confirmed this, laughing, “We had to tell him that not only did we not have have funding for any of those activities, but he could actually lose his job if he tried to make any professional contacts. We have an entire team of agents who have been specially trained do that sort of thing and he wasn’t one of them.”
“We told him that if he submitted his questions in writing, on five separate internal systems we maintain, and those questions were approved by a group of basketball fans, our agents might be able to pass them on at some indeterminate time in the future.”
Shortly after he joined the Football Desk, Jay was sent to a mandatory one-week class on football taught by an ex-hockey player, which it turned out was all he needed. Jay came away from his training with a great understanding of how the game was played, at least enough to make hyper-accurate five-year predictions on it. He began writing his now-famous “SUPERBOWL XLVII” report days later.
Director of National Intelligence James Clapper told reporters, “Reading it now, five years after the fact, I think Jay’s biggest break was when he successfully predicted that Justin Tucker would be one of the Baltimore Ravens’ biggest assets. It’s even more impressive because he made this prediction before Tucker had even been accepted to college. Fortunately Jay was clever enough to make a series of long-range assessments that suggested both the the University of Texas would accept him and that his college football career would be impressive enough that Baltimore would sign him as an undrafted free agent in 2012.”
“That and his prediction that Baltimore would crush San Francisco, ‘unless the lights suddenly go out, which I predict they will.'”
Clapper said that his only regret was that the study “SUPERBOWL XLVII” had an NFL clearance and was inaccessible to the 76% of the intelligence community who lacked one, not to mention the football community at large.
In addition, SUPERBOWL XLVII was misfiled shortly after it was published in 2007 and was only rediscovered following the game when Jay called the CIA last night to ask if his study had helped.
“We were originally like ‘What study?'” said Clapper, “but Jay told us over the phone how he had written it, where it was published, everything we needed to find it. Naturally this violated the terms of his non-disclosure agreement and we promptly had him arrested and stripped of his clearance.”
Jay said he would hold his own press conference once he was released from solitary confinement.
Can you help us? We aren't some gigantic media corporation. Duffel Blog is literally just one guy editing a bunch of articles written by military contributors — all on a shoestring budget. If you love what we do, please donate a few bucks to keep our doors open. Even the smallest amount is a big help.