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Confused FBI Agents Continue Search For Harlem Sheikh

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The Blind Sheikh

NEW YORK, NY – Members of the Federal Bureau of Investigation have reported that members of the New York field office are still attempting to target a mysterious terrorist known only as the “Harlem Sheikh.”

Agents were first alerted to the threat after several cell phone intercepts included vague references such as, “Harlem Sheikh is blowing that shit up at the Alamo,” ”I’ve never seen so many fucking hits on a video before,” and “Damn, muthafuckas are tearing it up boy.”

In a statement, Special Agent Stan Johnson said, “For obvious reasons we have declared Harlem Sheikh as armed and dangerous, and warn folks that he should be approached with extreme caution. It appears Mr. Sheikh has been working in collaboration with ‘DJ Dinar’ and ‘Sho’nuff – The Shogun of Harlem.’ Their hand in terror has been described as widespread, devastating, and operating in pretty much just about every major city in the U.S.”

According to John Walsh of America’s Most Wanted, the Sheikh has been known to strike without warning, often setting off an explosive device commonly known as a “flash bang mob” on a 30-second time delay. Judging by homemade videos of recent attacks at dance clubs, some sort of nerve agent is spread by one carrier to masses of people in a matter of seconds, resulting in a reaction that brings about severe convulsions.

Unfortunately it was too late for a platoon of Norwegian soldiers. Chief Investigator Dan Mann described the horror:

“This recently released video shows the incapacitating effects the Sheikh is capable inflicting. Here you see the soldier just kind of sitting there all wobbly and shit, then approximately fifteen seconds later the whole platoon gets wiped out. That’s some sick shit if you ask me.”

Dr. Joseph Gordon Cooper, Emergency Physician at the Johns Hopkins University Hospital, was interviewed to discuss about the extent of injuries seen by those attacked by the Harlem Sheikh.

“Well really it’s just a few bumps and bruises, nothing major. The convulsions the FBI speaks of, we really haven’t pinpointed because patients seem to be asymptomatic by the time they get to us. After conducting a few x-rays and prescribing some oxycodone, we tell them they can go about their daily routine normally. We do notice our patients have an increased body temperature as if they had been moving about vigorously, so we’ve started calling this phenomenon ‘Harlem Sheikh Fever.’”

For Agent Christopher Crane, the Harlem Sheikh hit home. After returning from a hard day at the office, Crane opened the front door to his house and found a grisly discovery awaiting him.

“It was the worst thing I have ever seen. All I could remember is first hearing that fucking war anthem blaring on the television screen. Then all at once my wife and kids began having these god-awful seizures. I vow from this day forward, that I will catch this son of a bitch.”

The Department of Homeland Security has made plans to possibly raise the terror alert level from yellow to orange as a precautionary measure to prepare people for any more of the Sheikh’s heinous terror plots.

News

Marvel’s “War on Terror: No Endgame in Sight” loses $5.6 trillion in first 18 years

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LOS ANGELES — Marvel Studios announced today their most recent film “War on Terror: No Endgame in Sight” has bombed badly with an estimated loss of $5.6 trillion since opening 18 years ago.

Hollywood reporters were shocked at the poor box office performance. Dan Wakeford, People Magazine’s Editor-in-Chief, vividly remembers “how excited everyone was about this project from 2001-2003. But, the public lost interest quickly once they realized how long it would run. As a result, the media also had to start ignoring the ‘War on Terror’ around 2008.”

None of the cast have stepped forward to assume responsibility for failing to win the audience’s hearts and minds. Cast member Stanley McChrystal offered a signed copy of his memoir to this reporter in lieu of on-the-record comments when approached. A-lister David Petraeus released a statement that he was still “All In” and committed to working intimately with junior staff members despite the film’s poor returns.

Notably absent from the “War on Terror” red carpet premiere, was former President George W. Bush, whose initial passion for the film was said to be hot enough to melt steel beams.

Marvel Studios CEO Isaac Perlmutter is optimistic despite the bad news.

“I expect we will recoup our losses eventually, as we plan to leave this movie in theater forever,” he said.

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News

Hippie Taliban defector gets so stoned

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LASHKAR GAH, Afghanistan — Gesturing the “peace” sign and telling fellow fighters that he was “totally done with this insurgent stuff, man,” hippie Taliban defector Ahmad Khan got incredibly stoned, sources confirmed today.

“Bro, did you ever just think, like, what are we doing it all for?” asked the totally lit former IED maker seconds before being stoned to death by his compatriots. “Like, did you ever think, what if we’re the bad guys and the Americans are the good guys? Or what if we’re actually both the good guys but we just don’t understand each other? Like, whoa. Damn, I’m so high.”

While many of Khan’s fellow insurgents empathize with his desire to reject the establishment and live a life of “free love and groovy tunes,” departing the Taliban to pursue an independent and off-the-grid lifestyle comes with its costs.

“Brother, I’ve got mad respect for Ahmad and everything he’s trying to do by sticking it to the man. I went through a bit of a ‘free spirit’ phase myself when I was younger,” said fellow Taliban fighter Muhammed Tarklani. “But we’re totally going to have to stone him to death. I mean, you can’t just leave the Taliban to go get high and listen to music.”

Khan’s parents attempted to convince the Taliban that he was going through a phase, and that within a few months they would make sure he finishes his classes at Berkeley and gets a job at his father’s law firm.

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Navy

“Don’t worry, this chapter of my book will be awesome” SEAL tells dying teammate

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A Navy SEAL reassured a teammate dying from multiple gunshot wounds that this portion of his book would be “awesome,” sources confirmed today.

“This is awesome. I’m talking about this on every stop of my book tour. No way I don’t hit the bestseller lists after this,” Chief Petty Officer Brian Costanza told his fellow SEAL, Petty Officer 3rd Class Chet Steel, who was gasping his last breaths.

As the MEDEVAC helicopter departed with his teammate’s corpse, Costanza jotted down plot points and significant details about the incident to use in “Triumph of the Will: A Navy SEAL’s Journey Through Syria.”

Costanza said he was thrilled to have a significant emotional hurdle to add to the main character arc in the yet-to-be published memoir, but he faced backlash from some of his surviving teammates for the way he handled the incident.

“Don’t get me wrong. Brick is a great guy,” said Petty Officer 2nd Class Slade Paragon.“But I think it’s bullshit that he immediately claimed the incident for himself. Yeah, Chet died in his arms, but I was the one pulling security while he bled out. If anything, the trauma I suffered would make for a much more compelling chapter in my own book, ‘This Noble Warrior’s Creed.’ It’s just selfish.”

Petty Officer 2nd Class Chad Brogan, who outed himself on MSNBC shortly after receiving deployment orders to Syria, was also critical of Costanza’s decision.

“At the very least, he should have checked with the rest of the team so we could compare narratives,” Brogan said. “How would it look if all our books had similar chapters detailing Chet’s horrific death and our emotional journeys of recovery? People would think we’re assholes.”

Brogan said he now has to figure out a new anecdote to lead into his monologue about the terrible cost of war during chapter 9 of his book “The Trident Bleeds in Valhalla.”

Costanza was dismissive when asked about his teammates’ objections.

“These cherry fucks just like to complain,” he said. “My first book, ‘Uncommon Men-More Uncommon Valor,’ was published when they were still in BUDS, so I think I know a little more about narrative and plot structure than they do. Besides, what better way to honor Chet’s death than to have the most experienced writer on the team profit immensely by describing it in visceral detail?”

The remaining members of the team eventually agreed to let Constanza use the “death sequence” for his upcoming book. In exchange, they all received co-author credit for helping complete Steel’s posthumous memoir “Unkillable: The Sweet Rush of Combat.”

The SEALs chose to honor their fallen comrade’s memory by announcing that .5 percent of all book royalties will go to Steel’s widow Rhonda and their three young daughters.

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Army

Forward observer’s bracket ‘totally screwed’ after first round

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KHOST, Afghanistan — A U.S. Army forward observer’s bracket is “totally screwed” after only the first round, sources confirmed today.

Bracketing is a common practice among casual observers and almost exclusively occurs in the post-winter months after the hangover of football season dissipates and the snow recedes. This period is often called “March Madness” or the “fighting season.”

Sgt. Andrew Shelbet hoped to win fame, glory, and $110 with his bracket, but he knew it was a lost cause after the first round.

“I tried to adjust fire on a bunch of Taliban in the open, but the first round went way over my head, then over the enemy, and then over a goddamn ridgeline,” said Shelbet. “It was totally fucked. I couldn’t even bare the impact of the second round.”

Shelbet tried to hide his embarrassment by claiming to be a disinterested observer.

“Look, I only do like one bracket a year, and I don’t even bother with the rest of the season. Most of the year, I’m totally dedicated to my fantasy football team, the Big Dick Fisters,” he said.

Meanwhile, rumors are swirling that Army Staff Sgt. Zeke “Lion” Williamson, currently deployed with the 82nd Airborne in Helmand province, has maintained a perfect bracket during this year’s March Madness.

Curiously, the NCAA and Vegas insiders have expressed interest in Williamson and his bracket.

“They contacted me asking for proof of my perfect bracket, so I sent them the drone footage,” said Williamson. “It was fucking sick. Two rounds of adjusting fire, then fire for effect, motherfuckers! Guts went flying everywhere. I estimated at least 12 enemy KIA. Perfect bracket.”

Williamson now faces UCMJ action for releasing the footage, but maintains it was “totally worth it to give the world a perfect bracket.”

Shelbet, on the other hand, has been disinvited from his unit’s 2020 bracket pool.

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News

Rip It teases plan for GWOT 20-year-anniversary can

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PLANTATION, Fla. — Rip It Energy Drinks teased plans for a unique can design that honors the 20 year anniversary of the Global War on Terror and will be available in combat zones by late 2021, in a press release today.

“We want to go all out to impress our troops,” said head of Rip It marketing Dave Hughes. “Many of them have suffered significant injuries from either combat or the consumption of our product and deserve the very best.”

The design will reportedly incorporate significant amounts of symbolism. Included will be 20 stars the size and shape of the kidney stones the product bestows, which represents the number of years of the conflict (so far). Other design elements are said to include the American flag, a heart pumping at 220 beats per minute, and probably an eagle.

The limited release product will also include commemorative flavors such as Mission Accomplished Mango, Tropical Troop Surge, Quagmire Citrus, and Poorly Defined War Aims Berry Punch. All flavors will reportedly still contain methamphetamine levels of caffeine and maintain Rip It’s signature “left out on a pallet in the Middle Eastern sun” aftertaste.

The Rip It brand itself is almost as old as the conflict, having been introduced as a non-alcoholic Four Loco substitute for troops downrange in the first year of the war. Troops immediately recognized the drink’s excellence, commonly described as carbonated battery acid, as a pallet cleanser perfect for after smoking a cigarette and immediately before throwing in a dip.  The brand’s popularity rose further once troops realized that when pairing it with Otis Spunkmeyer muffins caused simultaneous diarrhea and constipation.

“These past 20 years have been amazing, and we can’t wait to see what the next 20 holds,” said Hughes.

Though the design has yet to be fully finalized, experts believe that with the right kind of support, this promotion could be as big as Green Bean’s annual “Christmas away from your family” holiday cups.

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Army

Veteran didn’t risk his life at Bagram Pizza Hut just to see U.S. and Taliban sign peace deal

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professional veteran

A local Army veteran expressed outrage this morning over talks of a U.S.-Taliban peace deal, saying he didn’t risk his life during a two-month deployment to Bagram Airbase “just to see the war end like this.”

Cody Bennett started his protest on social media after U.S. special representative for Afghanistan Zalmay Khalilzad began negotiations with the Taliban to end the war. As one of the “elite one percent” who join the military, Bennett says most Americans won’t understand his point of view, but somebody needs to speak truth to power.

“Me and my boys put too much on the line out there just to see these spineless politicians settle for peace,” said the former administrative clerk who was sent home early due to bone spurs suffered on the base gym’s elliptical machine. “Are my blood, sweat and tears worth nothing?”

Bennett claims that he and other veterans often had to combat issues like minimal selection at the base Pizza Hut as well as long lines and limited hours at the dining facility.

“A large pizza for sixteen dollars? I put my life on the line day in and day out, and they’re going to try to swill me for sixteen dollars? On top of that, they never use enough sauce,” said Bennett, who never came within 200 meters of the base’s perimeter and was administratively separated from the Army for being overweight.

“Those guys, the ones like me that held the line for their country despite slightly below average dining standards compared to middle-class American expectations, those are the true heroes,” he added. Don’t talk to me about peace or freedom until you’ve had to live through that hell.”

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News

American wife of ISIS militant uses power of attorney to empty husband’s bank account while he is deployed

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AL HAWL, Syria – Nour Muhammad, who made headlines when she left America to marry an ISIS fighter, arrived in Al Hawl today after cleaning out her husband’s bank account and sending him a “Dear Abdul” letter.

“He’s been deployed in Raqqa fighting the infidels for nearly five weeks. I couldn’t take another second alone,” Nour explained. “Luckily, he gave me a power of attorney at his Mujahideen Brigade’s legal stand down before they left, so I helped myself to all of his riyals.”

When she met her husband in the comment section of an Anwar al-Awlaki video, she never imagined that things would turn out this way.

“At first when we started chatting, things were pretty casual. But before long, we were talking every day and sending each other cute beheading videos,” she remembered with a smile. “He asked if I would fly to Turkey, sneak across the Syrian border with a human trafficker sympathetic to ISIS, and marry him. Of course I said yes. Who wouldn’t fall for a romantic gesture like that?”

But, before long, their relationship soured. Nour was horrified when the man she’d known and loved turned out to have a dark side. She “had always thought he was one of those kind, gentle, and responsible ISIS fighters.” She was shocked when he became abusive towards her.

“I thought he only did terrible things to Kurds, Shiites, westerners, and people who listen to music in public. I never imagined he’d turn on me,” Nour siad. The final straw was when he spent half their savings on a used Toyota Hi-Luxe with 20 percent APR payments without consulting her right before he deployed.

Nour was out of options. With nothing but the clothes on her back and every last cent of her former husband’s money, she packed up and walked out of the caliphate. If she ever makes it back to the U.S., she plans on leveraging the kitchen experience she picked up cooking at a variety of safe houses to land a saleswoman job with Pampered Chef.

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Army

Soldier avoids UCMJ by living inside amnesty box

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Photo Credit: Duffel Blog

BAGHDAD, Iraq — A soldier in Iraq is successfully avoiding the Uniform Code of Military Justice by living inside an amnesty box, sources confirmed today.

Spc. Ray Thomas, a communications specialist deployed to Camp Taji, began residing in the amnesty box after becoming the focus of a 15-6 investigation into unauthorized drinking on post.

“It came to light that Spc. Thomas, while intoxicated in direct violation of General Order No. 1, allowed a negligent discharge of his M4 rifle in his housing unit,” explained Maj. Robert Sandusky, the officer in charge of the investigation. “Unfortunately, when Spc. Thomas learned he was facing punishment that could include extra duty and/or reduction in rank, he just disappeared.”

Thomas was declared AWOL 36 hours later when base security contractors discovered him inside a 5’x5′ amnesty box near the post airfield, along with his sleeping bag, a log of Copenhagen, and a rucksack full of MREs, according to sources.

“That amnesty box is essentially a legal forcefield,” admitted Sandusky. “Therefore our investigation is on hold pending his emergence from said box.”

Prominent experts on military law begrudgingly praised Thomas’s legal acumen.

“It’s a brilliant move,” commented Lt. Col. Simon Curcio, an attorney for the Army’s Judge Advocate General. “Under the UCMJ, nothing inside an amnesty box is subject to punishment, so they can’t touch him. If he can hold out until he leaves theater, he’s home free.”

“He’s really got them over a barrel — or over a box, so to speak” he added. “But my question is, ‘where’s he relieving himself?’ You know what, never mind. Please don’t answer that.”

Soldiers on post say that despite the lack of latrine or running water, Thomas has remained in the box for six days and shows no inclination of leaving.

“Ironically, this shitbag move displays more creativity, initiative, and discipline than I’ve ever seen from Spc. Thomas,” said Sgt. Dominic Johnson, his former squad leader. “He should be recommended for promotion to E-5 if he doesn’t end up getting a GOMOR [General Officer Memorandum of Reprimand].”

Speaking from inside the amnesty box, Thomas said he has been busy making the most of his environment.

“It’s amazing what people just toss in here,” Thomas said. “Just in the last week, I’ve collected a baggie of cocaine, a smoke grenade, a vintage Penthouse from a care package, and two extra-large dildos, which I can use to weigh down the corners of my poncho.”

“Plus, I’m supplementing my diet by licking used candy wrappers,” he continued. “Those sort of make up for all the cigarette butts and dip spitters that fall on my head when I’m trying to sleep.”

It remains to be seen whether Thomas can hold out until his redeployment flight in April, but he remains confident.

“I’m in here for the long haul, man,” he said. “You know if I’m living off MREs I won’t have to shit for at least another month.”

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