WASHINGTON, DC – In the wake of the newly unveiled Distinguished Warfare Medal, the Department of Defense intends to relax standards on the nation's oldest military decoration – the Purple Heart. Under the expanded interpretation, the award will now be available to any disgruntled service member suffering from disillusionment and shattered expectations.

“Acute Rectal Inflammation, colloquially known as ‘butthurt,’ is a serious and grossly underrated epidemic plaguing our military,” Lieutenant Jimmy Chang, Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine, told Duffel Blog. “Essentially, psychological or emotional trauma, stemming from either internal or external stimuli, manifests itself and eventually begets anal trauma. In severe cases, butt cells can become so hurt that they become malignant. In fact, butthurt is the leading cause of colon cancer among service members.”

Established by George Washington in the aftermath of the Revolutionary War, the Purple Heart is awarded to service members wounded or killed by enemy action. The Pentagon exercised "great prudence and foresight" in redefining "enemy action" to accommodate the majority of service members who never have and never will see combat.