THE PENTAGON — A visibly tired and still intoxicated Chuck Hagel pleaded with his Deputy Secretary of Defense this morning to cover for him at The Pentagon’s morning formation, according to multiple eyewitnesses.
“Oh fuck me, what am I doing with my life?,” asked Hagel, still rubbing his bloodshot eyes and attempting to recall what happened last night. “Last thing I remember I was making out with that stripper, and then some asshole gave me another shot.”
At numerous bars in the Alexandria, Va. area, the Secretary of Defense was spotted at times funneling beers, drinking ‘Irish car bombs’, and groping female waitresses. One witness told Duffel Blog that at one point in the evening, Hagel, handling only the neck of his beer, smashed the bottle against the bar and held up the glass shard as a weapon.
“The crazy drunken bastard was trying to pick a fight with some Air Force guys,” reported one witness, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “He kept saying ‘you flyboy douchebags shouldn’t fuck with Chuck,’ while taunting them.”
“How many drinks did you have, sir?” asked Ashton Carter, the Deputy Secretary of Defense. Hagel responded that he had “only three,” as he slowly sipped water.
His deputy continued in his questioning, asking, “what were they?”
“Long island iced teas,” Hagel answered. “Sir, that’s actually, like fifteen drinks. Jesus.”
This isn’t the first hard night of partying for the new Defense Secretary. After being sworn in on Feb. 27, Hagel hit the D.C. bar circuit, reportedly to “get shit-housed and hit on drunk bitches,” according to some friends who joined him.
“Listen, just cover for me, ok. Just tell the President I have a fucking dental appointment or something,” pleaded Hagel.
The hangover couldn’t come at a worse time for the Defense Secretary, who was scheduled to review the controversial ‘drone medal’ and likely reduce it in ranking, scrap the over-budget F-35 program, and bump up enlisted pay immediately by 5.8 percent.
“Call the fucking medics, Carter,” Hagel ordered. “Get me a damn I.V. and I’ll be good.”
At press time, Hagel was last seen projectile vomiting in his bathroom, trying desperately to drink Vitamin Water between puking fits.