MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Officials from the Minnesota Department of Motor Vehicles have confirmed approval of a new policy making it mandatory for all active-duty and military veterans to register their status with the agency. The move will require all veterans to have a special “Vet” designation on their drivers’ licenses and state identification cards.
The Minnesota DMV, which hopes to have the policy implemented by 2015, cites an inherent mental health threat by veterans as their main reason for devising the plan.
“We’ve seen what these savages are capable of all over CNN and MSNBC,” says DMV director, Greg Olson. “Out of all the millions of men and women who have deployed to combat zones this past decade, there are literally a dozen, perhaps even two, who have come home and committed atrocious acts. That’s way too big a chance. We can’t risk having these people hidden in our community and will be making sure they’re easily identifiable to law enforcement personnel and citizens in general.”
The new strategy will most likely result in changed police escalation-of-force procedure when dealing with veterans during routine traffic stops.
According to Olson, law enforcement officers will be given more opportunity to defend themselves against a perceived threat.
“Phase One will consist of the officer identifying an individual’s vet status on his or her driver’s license,” he says. “Once the officer realizes what he or she is dealing with, Phase Two will kick in and they will immediately unsheathe their pistol and drawdown on the potential psychopath. Then, at Phase Three, the officer will be given free reign to search the individual’s vehicle for weapons and dead bodies. If, and only if, the officer doesn’t find anything, then he will subsequently release the veteran and thank them for their service.”
Not everyone is happy about the new policy.
“This is pants-on-head retarded,” says Jake Mangas, a veteran of Iraq and Afghanistan from Rogers, Minn. “When I came home from Afghanistan, all I wanted to do was mow my parents’ lawn and get a job. You know, normal stuff. I’m not a criminal. I pay my taxes, am going to St. Olaf College on my GI Bill, and have the sexual prowess of a South Texas bull.”
One veteran in particular, 25 year-old Doug Robinson of Anoka, contacted Duffel Blog with his opinion about the new mandate.
“Oh, yeah, I know that Olson guy,” he says. “I remember about three months ago, me and some guys from my reserve unit were at a bar in downtown St. Paul and we all got picked up by his wife. She takes us back to their place and wants us to . . . you know. So we’re all pilin’ on her and you could tell she knew what she was doing because she was directing us around like an NCO. It was weird. She kept calling me ‘Corporal Punishment’ and my buddy Ray-Ray ‘Major Wood.’ Then her husband, this DMV guy, walks in from work and chases us all out of there and is screaming, ‘All of you bastards are going to pay . . . all of you!’”
But Olson insists there is a much different reason for the rule.
“Look, the media has taken a pragmatic approach to reporting mental health issues among returning veterans,” he says. “It’s clear that they’re a menace to society the same way all black people want to rob me and everything I eat will give me cancer. If it isn’t true, why would they report it that way?”
Duffel Blog writer John Mittle contributed to this story by sitting on a couch while drinking beer and shouting words of encouragement.