BETHESDA, MD — An F-35 Lightning II Joint Strike Fighter made history today by scoring the plane’s first combat kill when it shot down the F-35 program.
“It was exhilarating,” Air Force Major Thomas Bale said after returning to base. “I hate to kill jobs but I can’t help but celebrate. This was an important mission to protect America’s national defense budget.”
The mission was planned after the F-35 program was spotted sitting on an airfield in Maryland. Although the F-35 is a stealth fighter, the additional billions of dollars in cost overruns needed for long range operations made the program easy to find on radar.
The mission was slated for the F-22 Raptor, but Maj. Bale refused to fly the plane. The F-35 was pushed onto the runway as a replacement while its blueprints were still in development.
“Don’t worry, we have plenty of time,” Brigadier General Rick Santos said as the mission plans were changed. “The target has cracks in its engine, it’s not going anywhere.”
Bale took off seven years behind schedule and billions over budget, and problems arose quickly.
“The software’s not working, I have to switch to manual,” Bale said frantically over the radio. “And there’s something wrong with my helmet. Seriously? It’s a fucking helmet!”
The veteran pilot then spotted the target program surrounded by Lockheed Martin employees and U.S. military personnel yelling at each other. Bale then opened fire — the first test of the F-35’s weapons — resulting in the explosion of the F-35 program, and destruction of jobs in 45 congressional districts.
“Woohoo!” Maj. Bale shouted after scoring the costliest kill in history. He attempted to land on the carrier USS John F. Kennedy but was unable to catch his plane’s tailhook to the arresting cable. After four tries he gave up and was just able to make it back to base before running out of fuel.
Armed predator drones captured the operation on video and were on standby to destroy any future aviation programs involving manned flight.