In Wake of Sex Scandals, Air Force Dismantles Fleet Of ‘Pussy Wagon’ Recruiting Vehicles

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LACKLAND AFB, TX — In an attempt to cut down on sexual assault in its ranks, the Air Force has ordered its recruiters to stop driving their familiar yellow “Pussy Wagon” pickup trucks immediately, Pentagon officials said Friday.

The move comes on the heels of a string of high-profile sex scandals, with the most recent being the arrest of Lt. Col. Jeff Krusinski, the chief of the Air Force sexual assault prevention unit, for alleged sexual assault.

“We are absolutely committed to the safety and security of all our personnel,” Air Force spokesperson Capt. Mark Robinson said. “We came to our decision after some concern at the Pentagon that our ‘Pussy Wagon’ fleet might be sending the wrong message to the public regarding our stance on sexual assault and sexual harassment.”

“I personally don’t see it,” Robinson added.

Nearly a decade ago, the Air Force began issuing recruiters bright yellow pickup trucks with flames painted on the front and the words “Pussy Wagon” emblazoned on the tailgate in hot pink. The trucks soon became familiar sights at recruiting hot spots such as high schools, shopping malls, and college sorority houses.

Air Force scientists designed the truck to catch attention in crowded areas by giving it a high-gloss paint finish and an oversize spoiler. Additionally, the covered bed held vital recruiting tools: tickets to One Direction concerts, gift certificates to Forever 21, and coolers of Bartles & Jaymes.

“The wagon makes my job cake, man,” said Tech Sgt. Buck McCarthey, a former Basic Training instructor who is currently serving as a recruiter. “When the pretty ladies [and other potential recruits] see me roll up to them in the dark parking lot of a county fair, all I have to do is flash ’em a wink and let that shiny yellow paint job go to work. Then it’s panty-drop city.”

McCarthey is one of a growing number of Air Force non-commissioned officers who are disappointed about the move to decommission the “Pussy Wagon” fleet.

“Taking away the shaggin’ wagon ain’t gonna do nothing but make it harder for us hard working recruiters to try and get a piece,” McCarthey said.

The Air Force, however, remains steadfast in its decision.

“With some airmen having been sexually assaulted at Basic Training by their instructors,” Robinson said to reporters at a press conference, “and cadets at the Academy having been charged with sexually assaulting other cadets, and the sexual assault rate in the military rising six percent a year, we determined that … ”

Robinson’s voice trailed off and he shuffled through his papers. Then he laughed and said with a big smile on his face, “We determined that we need to take this problem seriously! Whoooooo, I lost my place on the page. Thought I wouldn’t find it again!”

Then Robinson ran into the crowd of journalists and slapped a female television reporter on the ass.