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Actors In a Briefing Portray A Scene Involving Sexual Assault

CAMP PENDLETON, CA — When Private Richard Grabar sat down for mandatory “sexual assault training” this week, he couldn’t believe his luck. “I heard that there would be videos,” he said, “so I got there early for a good seat.”

A self-proclaimed expert on the subject, Grabar volunteered to teach portions of the course, but was turned down when he began to list his credentials. “He told me that he was on victim 19,” said Sergeant Pace, the command Sexual Assault Prevention and Response coordinator.

“I didn’t think Pvt. Grabar was serious, but it seemed like he really didn’t understand that sexual assault is a bad thing,” he said, which he later reported to Naval Criminal Investigative Service investigators.

When told later that the DoD-mandated training was actually called “Sexual Assault Awareness training,” Grabar remained incredulous. “Of course I’m aware of sexual assault. I do it all the time. I just want to know how to do it better. New tips, techniques, stuff like that,” he told reporters, as he was escorted to a holding cell.

Later, during questioning by NCIS, Grabar revealed that he was unfamiliar with the term “sexual predator,” but thought it sounded “really awesome.” Further investigation led to a search of Grabar’s home, which was littered with incriminating evidence that prosecutors do not intend to use because “every chance he gets, he tells us that he sexually assaults people anyway. He’s proud of it.”

Marine Corps officials provided little explanation for Grabar’s ability to assault so many people without drawing any attention, but Grabar’s close friends and family reasoned that no one could possibly think that it was acceptable, even less declare it on Facebook.

“After the third time he posted that he was going on a ‘rape-a-thon,’ I just chalked it up to him being a weirdo, not an actual criminal,” said one co-worker.

Grabar faces multiple counts of aggravated sexual assault, and he publicly announced that he will not contest any of the charges.

At press time, senior Pentagon officials told reporters that he would likely be moved to a different unit and just removed from the promotions list.