WASHINGTON, D.C. — Forget about getting busted for cocaine, weed, or ecstasy — the Department of Defense can now tell if you don’t give a fuck.
DoD announced plans Wednesday to roll out a new urinalysis program that will be able to test for apathy. By examining a mere 30 ml of urine, drug testing laboratories can now pick up several forms of “not giving a shit” to include service, command, and subordinate apathy.
Testing positive for service apathy would mean that a service member could care less about being a part of the Army, Navy, Air Force, or Marines. The Coast Guard, however, will be exempt from the new testing because no one really gives a shit if they care or not.
Popping positive for command apathy denotes that a member could “give a rat’s ass about anything the Commanding Officer does or says,” while pissing hot for subordinate apathy will expose careerist officers “who step on the necks of their troops for their own personal gain,” according to a released memo.
Capt. Nelson Wheez, director of the Navy Drug Screening laboratory in San Diego, California, lauded the new test.
“We finally will be able to detect those individuals who fake it to make it,” said Wheez. “The Navy has already incorporated apathy testing into its zero tolerance policy. Any service member who pops for not caring will be faced with an immediate administrative separation.
“Who knew you could learn so much about someone through their piss,” Admiral Jon Greenert, Chief of Naval Operations, told reporters. “This will be a great tool to thin out the force in light of sequestration.”
“I show up to work every day on time in a good uniform, shined shoes, and smile while I perform tedious and meaningless duties,” said Petty Officer 3rd Class Dee Smith. “I even compliment my division officer for his ‘great leadership skills.’ Now I have to worry about losing my G.I. Bill if I fail some stupid test that I can’t even study for. Shit is weak, player.”
Even senior enlisted leaders expressed doubts.
“If the old man finds out that I hate his guts and I could care less about the crew at the same time through my urine, it would be awful,” said a balding Master Chief who serves on the flight deck of the USS Carl Vinson, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Even though I’ve been retired on active duty for four years, it might be time to really retire.”
“All I’ve ever wanted was to make Sergeant First Class and then I could stop caring,” said Staff Sergeant Owen Bright. “This test is really going to screw that up.”
Doctor Nehajub Niarjabooba, a leading industrial psychologist, questions the randomness and caring criteria of the apathy test.
“People seem to care more after deployments are over and more on a Friday than on a Monday,” said Niarjabooba. It is highly unfair to state whether a person completely cares or does care a little bit. This test is highly biased to people who care a minute amount as they may not always pass the test’s requirement for caring.”
At press time, most junior enlisted members of the Army and Marine Corps were seen packing their bags and waiting for their inevitable separation date.