ANNAPOLIS, Md. — From a podium in the United States Naval Academy’s storied Navy-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium, President Barack Obama offered hearty congratulations and a bit of advice to an exultant field of 1047 graduates about to take their first step into lives of substance abuse, scandal, and despair.

“Today – in this single, fleeting moment – we all are just so proud you,” the president said in his commencement address. “Remember this, because it’s probably all downhill from here.”

Citing countless reports of adultery, alcoholism, rape, and dumbfounding incompetence discovered in the military’s officer corps, Obama painted a candid picture of what the nation’s best and brightest could look forward to upon entering the fleet as Navy ensigns and Marine Corps second lieutenants.

“Let’s face it,” the president told the expectant young officers. “The few of you that will be any good at your job at all will get out. The rest of you will be pushed through a broken promotion system that rewards mindless compliance with outdated standards over anything even vaguely resembling conscious human thought. As you rise through the ranks, you’ll receive awards and honors you don’t deserve and develop a wildly inflated sense of self, until finally you arrive in a position to grossly abuse the power and people in your charge. Give yourselves a round of applause.”