Troops Agree Staying In Afghanistan For Next Ten Years Or So Would Be Awesome

British soldiers celebrate their arrival in Afghanistan.
British soldiers celebrate their arrival in Afghanistan.
British soldiers celebrate their arrival in Afghanistan.

BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN —  Thousands of troops stationed at Afghanistan’s major air field told reporters from Stars and Stripes that staying in Afghanistan for ten to twenty more years “would basically be awesome,” sources confirmed Monday.

“That’s not surprising at all,” said Gary Tucker, a reporter for Stars and Stripes. Speaking to Duffel Blog reporters, Tucker said every single soldier and airman he talked to hoped that they would never come home — with many hoping Afghanistan could become the 51st state.

“We have more than 60,000 troops living and working there now,” Tucker said. “So it only makes sense to consider making it a state, or maybe make it a similar setup as Puerto Rico, with less beach and more mines of course.”

“I’m happy to be here,” Sergeant Bill Smith told Tucker. “I’m proud to bring freedom to the Afghan people and even prouder than I was my first three deployments here. Everything we do has a purpose, and every day is one day closer to winning the war.”

Other troops spoke highly of the professionalism and dedication of their Afghan police and military counterparts.

“Of course I was sad when the Afghan police killed coalition forces,” Marine Staff Sergeant Robert Farmer said while being interviewed. “But I was able to see the silver lining. We have to work on strengthening our bonds with the Afghan people, and we’re going to be here until the job’s done right.”

“Yes I’m receiving tax free pay with bonuses,” Airman First Class Lucy Franklin said, “But it’s not about the money. It’s about liberating the Afghan people from the Taliban, or something.”

Tucker said there wasn’t a single soldier in Afghanistan who wanted to go home, thought being there was basically pointless, or possibly thought the war was unwinnable.

Unfortunately, Tucker had to cut his interview short, as three men dressed in Afghan National Army uniform that could not possibly be actual Afghan National Army soldiers fired rocket propelled grenades at the flight line, destroying two F-16s.

At press time, Tucker’s latest story was about the new volleyball court built at Camp Leatherneck.


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